NOT ME! 'TAIN'T LIKELY! WOULD YOU?
 
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A very simple chap am I,
At cards I never break 'em,
It doesn't matter what I call,
I very seldom make 'em.
I will not play at 'Odd-Man-Out,
Ain't lucky as a tosser,
My pals have christened me the 'J'
That's short, I'm told, for 'Josser'. *

Chorus: To judge of a cove by 'is looks is, I think,
A rum sort of thing to do,
A man's nose is red I'd not say as it's drink,
Not me! 'Taint likely! Would you?

A pal said, 'Billy, on the turf
Large profits I've been netting,
I'll soon show how, in no time, you,
Can make a fortune betting.
Just plank on, say, well thirty bob,
And as you're a beginner,
I'll fork out one and sixpence if
The horse you back's the winner.'

Chorus: I saw 'twas a rook, so I gave him a look,
Which meant decidely 'pook!'
With my thirty bob, he'd be off on the job,
Not me! 'Taint likely! Would you?

I've got one good straightforward pal,
Wot matters never minces,
Says he, you ought to join a club
And mix with 'aughty princes.
There's one I know where cards is played,
And though it may sound funny,
As me and you would do for nuts,
They gamble there for money.

Chorus: I borrowed the sub and I joined that there club,
Says one, 'Haw! understand Loo?'
Six Lords and a Duke may win by a fluke,
Not me! 'Taint likely! Would you?

Some time ago I met a man,
A pugilistic fellow,
Who boasted that one blow from him,
Would make the bravest bellow.
He riled me till I said, 'Sir, for
A nuisance I'll indict yer.'
He then and there takes off his coat,
'Come on,' says he, 'I'll fight yer!'

Chorus: My pals, there were ten, stuck like bricks to me then,
Says they, 'Now show 'im who's who!'
He weighed fourteen stone, take him on sir, alone,
Not me! 'Taint likely! Would you?

 
* Josser = fool
 
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Written by Albert Chevalier & Alfred H. West
Performed by Albert Chevalier (1861-1923)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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