NOT ONE
 
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My friend, Bill Smith, has just come in to forty thousand quids
Which, he declares, shall at his death, be left to 'my dear kids'
The night he told me his intent, I stared, and then I smiled
And said, 'Old chap I'm married, but I haven't got a child.'

Chorus: Not one! Not one, Not one!
It's rather roughish luck, you will agree
When I got home that day, I found to my dismay
Not one! Not one! but there were three! Ha Ha.


To celebrate the birthday, then I went round to the 'Rose'
(A fav'rite little pub of mine) with booze to paint my nose
When I got home, dear ma-in-law, raised such a row, oh dear
Said I was tight, says I, 'Why, I've had not one glass of beer.'

Chorus: 'Not one! Not one, Not one!
So don't come any of your foolish tricks
The night was dark and damp, why, I couldn't see a lamp
Not one! Not one! but twenty-six! Ha! Ha!'


Once I was at a party, and occasioned foolish strife
For Robinson my friend, declared that I had kissed his wife
I'd had a drop of 'tiddley' and my head was in a whirl
But still, I'll take my oath, that night I didn't kiss a girl.

Chorus: Not one! Not one, Not one!
I kissed 'em all and they were nothing loth
Their husbands standing by, well, they didn't black my eye
Not one! Not one! but blacked 'em both! Ha! Ha!


If there's one thing I do enjoy, it is a game of nap
My friends, declare that at it, I'm a match for any chap
Accused was I of cheating once, and they would not believe
Me when I gave my word I'd not an ace stuck up my sleeve.

Chorus: Not one! Not one, Not one!
Although my friends were quickly on the track
I thought it rather hard, up my sleeve I'd not one card
Not one! Not one! but all the pack! Ha! Ha!
 
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Performed by George Fairburn (d. 1918)
 
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