NUMBER NINE
(Love-Dove Lane)
 
Arthur Lennard
 

Mathew Muggs was the member for Trout-Upon-Trent
A respecable, highly delectable gent.
One address would have done for him all thro' his life
But that did not apply to his fidgety wife.
She was constantly moving, the last move of all,
Was the day Muggs was going to the rugby football.
He had oft been to matches, so Mrs. Muggs said,
And returned with a matchless complexion of red.
Said she, 'Now don't you take too much 'fizz'!
Said he, 'All right! and our new address is,

Chorus: Number nine, number nine, Love-dove Lane
Number nine, number nine, there's a big collie dog on a chain.
Just a few doors up on the left-hand side,
You can see a number shine;
Not five, six, seven,
Eight, ten or eleven,
But Nine! Nine!! Nine!!!

When the match was concluded, then Muggs made a start,
For the home and the wife of his A.R.T. heart.
He was 'whacked to the wide' but he got to his lane,
Not a moment too soon, for it started to rain.
Then he felt for the number; he pulled out his key,
Crept up stairs but creaked, oh! most terrible, see!
'Thieves! police!' cried a voice of unlimited range,
'Twasn't Mrs. Muggs' voice, said old Muggs, 'Bally Strange!
I felt the number upon the door,
I'm positive, certain! I'm blinking well sure, 'twas

Chorus:

For a wonder, a constable chanced to be near,
And he said to the lady, who trembled with fear,
'What's amiss?' Said the lady, 'I thought 'twas a mouse,
But I find to my grief, it's a man in the house!'
Out he fetched poor old Muggs, who said, 'Sorry, I'm sure!
But please look at that number upon the street door.'
Then the constable did and he speedily found,
Number six had got loose and had turned upside down.
And poor old Muggs, then he told the Court,
As the six was upside down he thought, 'twas

Chorus:

 
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Written and composed by Harry Adams & Ernie Woodville - 1907
Performed by Arthur Lennard (1867-1954)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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