OH DEAR NO!
 
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I'm what you call a phil-o-soph-i-cal,
That is a word that is not very small;
P'rhaps I should call it a little bit tall,
But that's nothing to do with the song, at all.
Here is a question I've got for you;
I have a wife and some children a few;
But while I've a gentleman lodger too,
D'you think that I pay for their keep?

Chorus: Oh dear no! it's no, no, no, no go;
What do you say? Oh! What do I say?
No! Not if I know it, No!
Now you know you don't know,
No, no, no, no, no!

When I go down to the seaside gay
I love to walk on the beach all the day,
There's nothing to do and there's nothing to pay;
Oh, don't we enjoy ourselves, just au fait.
I watch the fair ladies out in the sea,
Bathing, oh that is the sight for me;
I'd sooner watch them than I'd have my tea,
D'you think that I'd miss such a chance?

Chorus:

'Honesty is the best policy',
That's what some fool tried to preach to me;
I said, 'You're as silly as silly can be,
That is a most popular fallacy;
Supposing a gentleman dropped his purse,
Bewailing his loss he would rave and curse,
But I'd pick it up, well, I might do worse,
D'you think that I'd give it him back?

Chorus:

I once met a beautiful lady fair,
She was a feminine millionaire,
With bicycles, tandems and carriage and pair,
Emeralds, rubies and diamonds rare;
Houses and lands she owned by the score,
Palaces, churches and streets in galore,
Boroughs and town halls and what not more,
And she asked me to wed, but I said...

Chorus:

I got in a terrible row last week,
With a four foot high fellow so mild and so meek;
I called him an undersized, fatheaded sneak,
And then promptly knocked him down for his cheek.
Up came his brother, six feet in his socks,
Showed me a fist like the head of an ox,
And said he would show me the way to box;
D'you think that I waited to learn?

Chorus:

 
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Written and composed by Fred J. Barnes & Albert Perry - 1897
Performed by R.G. Knowles (1858-1919)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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