Although I'm nearly sixty five, I'm known as quite a beaux,
And spoiled by all the darling girls wherever I may go,
There's one young beauty I adore, and tell me who can blame,
She dances in the Ballet, at a Theatre I could name.

Spoken - She's in the front row, I sent her a bouquet some weeks ago with the following words written on a slip of paper:

Chorus: Oh! you little ducky, oh! you little pet!
Every time I see you, you sweeter seem to get,
Jam and honey's sweet, love, but nothing sweet can beat you,
Oh! you little ducky, get away or I shall eat you!

The next night I was in my stall, the usual quiet nook,
That darling girl she smiled on me and gave me such a look,
And when the play was over I went round to the stage door,
But I was not the only one there were some thirty more.

Spoken - The stage door was crowded with youths and young fellows, and - and - and - middle aged men like myself, at last the beautys came forth, mine came fifth and walked up the street, I followed her and whispered in her ear:


The pretty soul she gave a start, and turned her pretty head,
Her pretty eyes stared with surprise, and her "Pretty Lips" then said,
Oh! Sir, why do you follow me? I wish you'd go away!
No, no! my darling, girl I said,'hear what I have to say!

Spoken - "Well," she said,"what have you to say!" "My darling," l replied, "I love you, Let me see you home will you?" "Well," she answered, "I don't mind as you are old enough to be my grandfather, I didnt like that much nevertheless she took my arm and as we walked along I said:


I saw her home then every night to a quiet humble street,
To walk beside that lovely girl I thought was quite a treat,
She never asked me in her house, which made me rather glum,
But one night oh! what joy, she said to tea next Sunday come.

Spoken - So of course I went, when I got to the door I heard loud laughter and a man's voice exclaimed, "What does the old idiot say to you, Bessie?" then I recognised the voice of my charmer repeat amidst roars of laughter - (Mockingly)


I don't know what came over me I got a sort of shock,
And hesitated long before I had the pluck to knock,
At last I gave a loud rat-tat, but trembled more and more,
When a fellow nearly six feet high threw open wide the door.

Spoken - And said, "What d'ye want?" I was so taken aback I scarcely knew what to answer, At last I said, "I've come to tea with Totsie Plantagenet." "Oh!" he exclaimed, "have ye, you mean Betsy Todd my daughter, Betsy Todd off the stage and Totsie Plantagenet on, Well look here old man she don't want your attention so you can retire, but afore you go just listen to what I've got to say:

Chorus: Oh! you ancient idiot, worst I ever met,
If again I see you I'll tell you what you'll get,
You see this walking stick,sir, well with it I shall beat you,
Or else I'll set my dog at you, and I shall make him eat you.

Written and composed by Arthur Lloyd - 1882
Performed by Arthur Lloyd (1840 - 1904)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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