ONLY A LITTLE PAPER PARCEL
 
 
Friends, here, behold a mystery, for I am one, that's clear;
I don't know half my history, or how or why I'm here;
One dark and stormy night, upon a doorstep near the ground,
A bobby spotted something strange... and what d'ye think he found?

Chorus: 'Twas only a little paper parcel,
To open it the coppers quickly tried;
From his bull's-eye came a gleam, then he heard a baby scream,
And the [Chant: full blown personage who is now so sweetly
warbling to you here, but was then only a
mite of a kid warbling unto himself... this... ] was inside.


'Twas on the first spring morning of the year, a sunny day,
A gay and radiant masher to his 'uncle's' made his way;
He looked so clean and handsome, but one thing broke the charm,
He carried something awkwardly placed underneath his arm.

Chorus: 'Twas only a little paper parcel, he opened it to uncle and he cried:
'The weather's changed, oh! bliss so, kind sir, how much on this?'
And his [Chant: winter fur-lined overcoat, which he regularly put away during
the summer months out of the dust and the moth and the
damp, or, in other words, 'up the spout'... ] was inside.


My next-door neighbour had a dog that all night growled and barked,
I'd had no sleep for quite a month, so got what chaps call, 'narked'.
I jumped the back-yard wall one day and soon could be espied,
A-carrying something in my arms unto the river-side.

Chorus: 'Twas only a little paper parcel, I chucked it, splash, into the slimy tide;
And it sank so mighty quick, for a clock-weight and a brick
And the [Chant: remains of the late lamented tripe-hound who has gone to
a place where it will take him all his time to wake anybody up
with his midnight serenading... ] was inside.


Poor Jones possessed a ma-in-law, who drove him quite insane,
She jawed and bullied him so much, he'd got her on the brain;
One day he called upon her, in his eyes a maddened glare,
And while she nagged he slyly slipped a something 'neath her chair.

Chorus: 'Twas only a little paper parcel, it went off bang! exploded far and wide;
And no-one ever saw any more that ma-in-law,
For a [Chant: quarter of a pound of the very best gunpowder, a small piece
of dynamite about the size of a new-laid egg, together with a
fuse, warranted to create a nice blow-up directly Jones's wife's
mother commenced to blow him up... ] was inside.


'Twas in a bus, a penny bus, I saw a charming girl,
Her eyes were black, her cheeks were pink, her hair one flaxen curl.
She carried something in her hand, but what, I couldn't tell,
But when she feft the bus, I saw she'd left left that thing as well.

Chorus: 'Twas only a little paper parcel, twelve inches long, about six inches wide;
The string around it broke and it's contents were a joke,
For a [Chant: pair of dainty, satin slippers, about a yard and a half of white
muslinn, a natty little bodice cut rather low, a powder puff and
a pair of silk 'what-d'ye-call-'ems' otherwise known as
'tights'; in fact, the entire costume of an up-to-date- dancer
in the front row of the corps(e) de ballet... ] was inside.


While strolling round the houses, about Westminster, one day,
I came upon a splendid street, which street is 'Whitehall Way'.
I'm told it's name is Downing Street and many men it's downed,
And strange to say, near number ten, a packet, small I found.

Chorus: 'Twas only a little paper parcel, with red-tape it was scrupulously tied;
And W.E.G. on the outside I could see.
And a [Chant: large package of promises, labelled 'pie-crust' the figures of
the majority of the last Midlothian election, together with a
ginger-bread nut wrapped up in the draft of a mythical
Home-Rule-Bill... ] was inside.
 
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Written and composed and performed by Eardley Turner - 1894
Performed by George Honey (1864 - 1905)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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