PEN'ORTHS (1898)
 
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Has anyone ever noticed what a penny'll buy today
A penny'll buy a cheap cigar that whistles a mile away
A penny'll buy a postcard, a penny'll stamp a cheque
A penny'll buy an orange and the peel 'll break your neck
A penny'll get your boots cleaned, a penny'll get a shave
A penny'll buy some laudanam that sends you to your grave
A penny'll drive a band away, a penny'll make 'em stop
And late of a night when you get tight, a penny'll square a cop.

Chorus: Oh! Money's funny, the funniest thing we've got
A dollop of blacking tied up in a tin
A feminine sample of three-penny gin
A penny'll buy the lot.


A penny'll buy a working man half a pint of beer
A penny'll buy a bunch of fags that worry the atmosphere
A penny'll buy a hungry lad a beautiful chunk of duff
A penny'll buy a sandwich that'll kill you sure enough
A penny'll buy a bar of soap to frighten away the mud
A penny'll buy a Seidlitz that will certainly cool the blood
A penny'll buy a saveloy that follows you round the room
A penny'll buy a hen's egg with a heliotrope perfume.

Chorus: Oh! Money's funny - I'd have the inventer shot
A smoking potato with tears in its eyes
A paper that's full of the wickest lies
A penny'll buy the lot.


A penny'll buy a box of toys, and also a box of nibs
A penny'll buy a powder that'll tickle you round the ribs
A penny'll buy a box of pills to purify your veins
A pen'orth of sense would liven up the Chatham and Dover trains
A penny packet of pea-soup is anywhere to be had
A penny'll buy a cold bath - and some of us want it bad
A penny'll buy a railway fare - but really they are so strict
That, by the way, if you don't pay out - that penny'll get you nicked.

Chorus: Oh! Money's funny - it's driving me off my dot
A screw of tobacco, a nugget of cheese
A powder for slaughtering fiddle-de-dees
A penny'll buy the lot.


A penny 'll buy a a donkey ride - a bottle of ginger pop
A penny'll buy a polonish that eau-de-cologne the shop
A penny'll buy a buy a bloater - as salt as iy can be
That makes you wish you were a fish at Bass's Brewery
A penny'll buy a cabbage, a penny'll paint your cheeks
The wife'll often leave you a pen'orth of needles in your breeks
So have the sense to save your pence - you'll find it the wisest whim
The Bank Cashier'll look after them - but you must look after him.

Chorus: Oh! Money's funny - it settles the germs we've got
If you see a thousand or two in a blotch
Run to the pub for a bottle of Scotch
A pen'orth'll kill the lot!
 
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Performed by Cliff Ryland (1856-1930)
 
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