PLEASE SIR, I'VE LOST MY WAY
 
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Whilst strolling out one evening twixt the lights a week ago,
I pondered as I wandered for I scarce knew where to go.
Not long arrived from Lincolnshire I felt a little green,
And brought up in a village very little life had seen.
I'd heard about large towns where wicked wills and wicked ways
Entrapping mugs like me was quite the custom now-a-days.
When suddenly beneath a lamp a female I espied,
Who clutched my arm, looked in my face, and piteously cried,

Chorus: 'Please, sir, I've lost my way
Please, sir, I've lost my way.
I'm but a stranger, for I only came to town today,
Your face is so benevolent you couldn't say me nay,
I know you'll do the best you can for one who's lost her way.'

She scarcely said a word before a 'bobby' hove in sight,
Immediately the woman feigned to be in awful fright.
And said, 'Oh, good policeman, sir, this blackguard standing here,
Has threatened and insulted me, I'm trembling quite with fear.'
The Bobby said, 'Here, come with me, I'll teach you,' I cried 'No,
I'll give you all that I possess if you'll but let me go.'
He took my watch, and chain and purse and ordered me away,
And as I came from the scene I heard the woman say,

Chorus:

I rushed from out the turning shaking - feeling deadly pale,
And met another policeman unto whom I told my tale.
At first he laughed, then shook his head and said, 'Why, that's a pair
Of latest London's swindlers whom we're seeking everywhere.
He's not a bobby, she's his wife, that artful lay they work,
And after country gentlemen in quiet places lurk.'
I'm chaffed by all who know it, by my friends, both far and near,
And even cheeky barmaids when they serve me smile and jeer,

Chorus:

 
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Performed by Vesta Tilley (1864-1952)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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