THE POLICEMAN
 
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Behold in me a p'liceman and my duty I do do,
No matter who or what or which or which or what or who;
My wife got drunk last Monday week and blacked my eye for sport,
And as it was my duty well, I took her straight to court.

Chorus: The magistrate said, "You're too late, your case I can't go through,
I'm just going out to lunch my boy." I said, "What shall I do?"
Said he, "Oh, sentence her yourself." then I cried beneath my breath,
"That's just what I've been waiting for." so I sentenced her to death.

Some people say a p'liceman's got no heart but that's a lie,
Last night I found a boy in tears, a loaf he'd been to buy;
I said, "Why do you weep, my boy, what makes you look so sad?"
He said, "I've lost a shilling, Sir, it's all that mother had."

Chorus: I felt a lump rise in my throat, the tears began to start,
I said, "It never shall be said, that a p'liceman's got no heart."
I thought of all the times that I had tasted sorrow's cup,
Then I pulled out a shilling and then the sergeant woke me up.

One night a chap gave me a tip, I nearly dropped down dead,
I found it was a foreign coin, so unto him I said,
"Don't try to play these games on me, remember who I am."
He said, "That's all the coin I've got, I've just come from Siam."

Chorus: Said he, That's a Siamese coin, I hope there's no offence,
It's what we call a 'tical' and it is worth just eighteen pence."
I said, "Well, if in Siamese 'ticals' cost you one and six,
I'm going to stop in England, I can get one here for nix."

Today a chap rushed up to me, he gave me such a scare,
Said he, "My big black hen has laid a white egg, I declare,
Do give me your advice." he cried, but I said, "Come with me,
This case is very serious and the sergeant must see."

Chorus: The sergeant said, "Well, what's the case?" I cried, "I'm fairly beat.
A big, black hen has gone and laid a big white egg down the street."
Said he, "You fool, that's nothing much." then I replied, "Quite true,
It may be nothing much, old chap, but it's more than you can do."

 
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Written and composed by Worton David & Sam Mayo - 1907
Performed by Sam Mayo (1875-1938)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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