PRACTICAL IMPOSSIBILITIES
 
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Now the ideal place for quiet, you'll agree
Is to go and spend a fortnight by the sea
Where the bands upon the sands
All day discourse the latest melody
You go there for the sake of having rest
And determine all your food you will digest
Then for a row, p'rhaps you'll go
When a feeling steals inside your manly breast.

Chorus: Oh dear, Oh lor! What a faintness, what a feeling of debility
As in the boat you sit with an agonizing frown
You've had dinner you admit, but to keep a morsel down
Is a practical impossibility.


If by chance you have a sweetheart fond and true
And this damsel you are trying hard to woo
Don't seranade the pretty maid
Or you'll find yourself in trouble if you do
If you sing of love in her back yard at night
Ten to one her father's anger you'll excite
Then with a shout, he'll soon let out
A bull-dog with a healthy appetite.

Chorus: Oh dear, Oh lor! The garden wall you reach with great agility
But you can take the tip that you haven't got a chance
For if you make a slip to leave any pants
Is a practical impossiblity.


Did you ever see, whilst coming home at night
A fellow in a curious kind of plight
His new top hat is crushed in flat
And, without a match, his pipe he tries to light
He seems to be at warfare with his head
Like all such brutes, takes off his boots
Then he climbs the stairs with light and airy tread.

Chorus: Oh dear, Oh lor! He's drunk, and suffers from incapability
To see straight he vainly strives but his eyesight seems amiss
For he sees a dozen wives, but to know which one to kiss
Is a practical impossibility.


Now, down in the crowded street the other day
A lady cyclist slowly made her way
The giddy flirt wore collar, shirt
And bloomers in the latest shade of grey
The bicycle she vainly tried to steer
As the boys began to rudely laugh and jeer
But with a smash she came a crash
And they took her to the hospital just near.

Chorus: Oh dear, Oh lor! The doctors showed a lot of volubility
Some said she was a man, others said, 'Well, no one knows.'
They soon found it was a girl but to tell it by her clothes
Was a practical impossibility.
 
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Performed by R.G. Knowles (1858-1919)
 
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