I can never understand why people like a band
When dining a-la-carte in Piccadilly,
For the flute’s incisive note, when I’m supping table d’hote
Is a nuisance that annoys and drives me silly;
If you go at seven o’clock to the ‘Cri’ or to the ‘Troc’
You will rue it if you value your digestion,
For fish and double-bass is a trifle out of plaice,
While ragtime soup is surely out of question!
Why don’t the fiddles play ‘Sing me to sleep’
When the cheese begins to hum?
Why don’t they greet you with ‘Little Bo-peep’
When to shoulder of lamb you come?
For rabbit and bacon, and also jugged hare,
‘Has anyone seen our cat?’
Or, if ‘game’ is uncertain, play ‘Ring down the curtain’
Now, what could be better than that?

When you’ve waited half an hour for something to devour
You fancy that the waiter hasn’t seen you.
After studying the card you decide that French is hard
So you order ‘number twenty’ on the menu,
But the waiter waits awhile, then announces with a smile
He is sorry to deny you this ‘confection’,
Another card he’ll find, when it dawns upon your mind
What you ordered was a ‘musical selection!’
Why don’t the trumpets sound ‘Lend me your aid!’
When the fowl too touch may seem?
‘Where are you going to my pretty maid?’
When they give you ‘condensed’ for cream;
For spotty potatoes ‘Two lovely black eyes!’
Or perhaps ‘Just look at this and look at that’
Then for ‘carrots!’ (don’t harm me!) There’s ‘Ginger you’re barmy’
Now, what could be better than that?
Written and composed by Julius E. Day & L. Esde - 1913
Performed by Barclay Gammon (1867- 1915)
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