SAM MAYO'S MIRTH MIXTURE
or, 'My Half Was Underneath.'
 
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My brother Jim and I one day, put a penny each, it's true,
And went and bought a can of beer to share between the two,
He said, 'We'll drink a half apiece, you drink yours first,' said he,
I took the can and drank the lot, then he exclaimed to me,

Chorus: 'You've drunk my half as well!'
I grinned and showed my teeth,
I said, 'I couldn't help it, Jim,
My half was underneath!'

As footman I was once engaged at some swell house in town;
One day a lady called to see the daughter, young Miss Brown;
I went up to the bathroom and I knocked and called out, 'Miss,
A lady here to see you,' but she answered only this,

Chorus: 'Can't you see that I'm in
The bath, you silly pup?'
I said, 'I hear but I can't see,
The keyhole's been stopped up!'

I bought a big black nen, last week - next day it laid an egg;
I took that egg into the wife and shouted, 'Look here, Peg.,
You talk about your miracles, here's one that knockes them flat,
The black hen's laid a white egg, dear, now what d'you think of that?'

Chorus: She said, 'That's nothing much,'
I answered, 'That's quite true,
It may be nothing much, my dear.
But it's more than you can do.'

I called on Doctor Brown, last week, with pain my head was racked,
Some medicine he gave me, with directions how to act;
The wife read the directions, I said, 'What's the verdict, Lou?'
She said, 'From these directions, there's one thing you mustn't do,

Chorus: 'You mustn't sleep,' said she,
'On an empty stomach, Jack.'
I said, 'I never do, my dear,
I sleep upon my back.'

To pay some money in the bank, I took my boy with me,
Some tramps accosted us and stole our horse and trap, you see,
To save the oof my boy into his mouthe he slipped all the lot,
When I got home and told the wife, she cried, 'What brains he's got.'

Chorus: 'He's got my brains.' said she,
Then I said with a snap,
'I wish he had your mouth, as well,
We'd have saved the horse and trap.'

A girl upon a motor bike, her young man went to meet,
With him she'd an appointment, so she scorched along the street;
She slipped and fell upon the ground, I don't think she was lamed,
They took her in to Doctor Tupp's and to him she exclaimed,

Chorus: 'Oh please don't say I've broke
My appointment, Doctor Tupp.'
The doctor said, 'You've not done that,
You fell the other way up.'

One dsay I fell and split my pant, it looked most unrefined,
A lady said, 'Why do you stand, sir, with your hands behind?
What is the matter with you? Do turn round and let us see.'
And just because I did refuse, she played the deuce with me.

Chorus: She said, 'You're not a man,
You're nothing but a worm.'
I said, 'Maybe, but all the same,
This worm's not going to turn!'

Last night I played a game at draughts with my old pal, Bert Bloom,
His wife was hanging up some washing all around the room;
She hung up something trimmed with lace, I turned and blushed quite red,
And as I'd clean forgot whose move it was, to Bert I said,

Chorus: 'Whose shift is it, old man?'
His wife turned round, quite hurt.
And said it's no-one's, what you said,
It's the lodger's flannel shirt!'

 
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Written and composed by David Worton and Sam Mayo - 1907
Performed by Sam Mayo (1875 - 1938)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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