THE SERVANTS' REGISTRY OFFICE
 
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If I hadn't been brought up a perfect lady
My goodness I could say a thing or two
To think that I've come down to booking servants
Still what else could a poor lone widow do
My husband was a life insurance agent
The way he served me makes me fairly groan
For I felt quite broken hearted
When I found the dear departed
Had insured my blessed life but not his own.

Chorus: So if the cook she lets you down
Simply pay me half a crown
And a cook or housemaid you will never lack
You can take my word she's sure to be
Quite everything she ought to be
If not then simply throw her out and get your money back.

These swanking serving wenches drive me crazy
The way the saucy minxes start to yelp
If I call a spade a spade and mention 'housemaids'
They say, "Pardon me Mum. I'm a lady's help."
And here's the sort of wire I keep receiving
"Send a maid at once, we leave the choice to you"
If she's pretty wifey nags me
If she's plain the hubby rags me
So I have a lively time between the two.

Chorus: So if the cook she lets you down
Simply pay me half a crown
And a cook or housemaid you will never lack
You can take my word she's sure to be
Quite everything she ought to be
If not then simply throw her out and get your money back.
 
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Performed by George Robey (1869-1954)
 
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