SH! I JUMPED ON A BUS
 

I had a row with the wife last week,
I thought, "I'll drown myself, just for her cheek,"
Straight down to Westminster Bridge I did go,
Stood there and gazed at the water below:

Chorus: "Sh!" I heard midnight chime,
Sh! Thought I "Now's my time,"
I shut my eyes, then without any fuss,
Sh! I JUMPED on a bus."

I've got a horse that's all bones and no meat,
Still in a way he gets plenty to eat,
I toss a penny up every morn,
And if it comes down 'heads' then I buy him some corn:

Chorus: "Sh! but if it comes tail,
Sh! I've a half-pint of ale,
If he wins the toss then some corn he does get,
Sh! he's never won yet."

I've lived for years in some flats up West,
You'll say it's queer when I tell you the rest,
On the ground floor they have no family,
First floor they've ONE, and the THIRD floor have THREE:

Chorus: Sh! on the fourth floor they've four,
Sh! on the fifth they've one more,
I live upon the fourteenth, it's so nice,
Sh! we've fourteen - white mice.

I always like to be most polite,
Went to my tailor's last Saturday night,
He wasn't in, but his wife said to me,
"Here are your trousers," I bowed gracefully.

Chorus: Sh! then I raised my tile,
Sh! said she with a smile,
I hope your trousers fit well, Mister Crew."
Sh! I said " Same to you."

I'm fond of sport, in a cook-shop I saw
A notice which read 'Lamb and beef - twelve to four,"
I said, "A shilling on lamb I should like"
Half-an-hour afterwards I got the spike:

Chorus: Sh! a waiter stood by,
Sh! down a tube he did cry
"Beef ONE, lamb TWO" then I said full of grief,
Sh! I wish I'd backed beef."

My brother Jim was in lodgings once,
Lodged with a widow, but she, like a dunce,
Started to walk in her sleep in the gloom,
One night she walked into poor Jim's room,

Chorus: Sh! Jim got such a fright,
Sh! he left the next night,
He couldn't stand her sleep-walking, I vow -
Sh! I'm lodging there, now!

 
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Written and composed by Worton David & Sam Mayo - 1908
Performed by Sam Mayo (1875-1938)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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