SIMON SQUEERS
(The Undertaker's Man)
 
Simon Squeers
 
Kind friends if you'll excuse my tears, I'll tell you who I am,
My name is Simon Squeers, I'm an undertaker's man,
In Seven Dials I was born, no doubt you know the place;
For other folks I have to mourn and pull a woeful face.

Chorus: Then drop a tear of pity, when you think of Simon Squeers,
Who on the shortest notice has to manufacture tears.
And all you chaps, that's out of work. do anything you can,
Rather than become like me, an undertaker's man.

I have to wear a suit of black, upon this noble frame,
On Sundays as on other days, my clothes are just the same;
The girls all laugh and titter as they see me passing by,
And say to one another, Oh! My! Isn't he a guy!

Chorus:

Before I got this berth, I had a sweetheart good and true,
But now she's gone and left me, for a man whose clothes are blue;
I often see that p'liceman, when he ought to be on beat,
Sitting on the area steps, eating bread and meat.

Chorus:

If any lady present here would like me for her beau,
I'll make her sleeping partner in the firm of Squeers & Co.
I've got a tidy bit of coin put by for a rainy day,
So if anyone will have me, will she kindly step this way.

SPOKEN... (after pause) What? Will no one have me? (weeps)

Chorus:

I've mourned for quite a hundred folks within the present year,
It won't be long before they have to mourn for me I fear;
My heart is broken and I know I'm wasting fast away,
Upon this stage I know I haven't very long to stay.

SPOKEN... And when I'm gone they'll bury me in a corner of the churchyard and out of my hard earned savings erect a bit of a stone... and this will be my epitaph:

Chorus:

Then drop a tear of pity, when you think of Simon Squeers,
Who on the shortest notice had to manufacture tears;
And all you chaps, that's out of work, do anything you can,
Rather than become like him, an undertaker's man.

Chorus:
 
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Written and composed by John Cooke Jnr. & Vincent Davies
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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