THE SKELETON IN THE CUPBOARD
 
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Each person in his cupboard keeps a skeleton they say
But I've never come across one, though I look from day to day
If people leave me in a room I always have a peep
To see what kind of skeleton upon the shelf they keep
There's Jones, a man I've known for years, he's got a splendid job
But he's always on his uppers and he's never worth a bob
His kiddies little waistcoats have a lot of room to spare
And I've peeped into his cupboard, but no skeleton was there.

Chorus: But I'll tell you what I did see - there's a lot of sporting guides
And a book about each horse's pedigree
There was nothing much for eating
But the fixtures for each meeting
Now I wonder where the skeleton can be.


There's a wealthy titled lady in her robes and coronet
Her diamonds, no one in the world has got a finer set
A dozen powdered footmen bow 'My Lady' to her room
Her life should be a summer dream, all sweetness and perfume
Her husband just adores her, yet when she is all alone
The tears roll down the lovely face, and from her comes a groan
And so inside her boudoir for a moment once I run
But when I sought the skeletion, behold there wasn't one.

Chorus: But I'll tell you what I did see, 'twas a lock or two of hair
And a portrait of an infant fair to see
And beside the baby's tresses, folded up some tiny dresses
Ah, I wonder where the skeleton can be.


There's a little chap that's lying in a garret down at Bow
And he wants to cough, but dare not, 'cos his father beats him so
And he whispers, 'Don't you know me - well, I've altered in the chiv
Since the day when I was barking and I felt a something give
It's kind of you to visit me - I ain't much trouble now
My mother, perhaps, will miss me, but she'll rub along somehow
And I looked to see what skeleton he kept upon the shelf
Though I didn't ought to do it - he was not much else himself.

Chorus: And I'll tell you what I did see, not a box of childhood toys
But some boxes that were pitiful to see
They were matches - hadn't sold them
His poor hands too weak to hold them
Ah, I wonder where the skeleton can be.


Once I thought I'd try a cupboard in the best part of the town
The splendid West-end mansion of the big financier Brown
The man whose slightest touch they say will turn a thing to gold
Though people often wonder why he looks so worn and old
His name is good on paper for a hundred thousand pound
And if he floats a company the cash at once is found
So in his private cupboard door I peered a while ago
To try and find a skeleton, but did I see one? No!

Chorus: But I'll tell you what I did see
'Twas a false moustache and wig
And a steamer ticket far across the sea
There was lots of ready cash hid
And a bottle of - prussic acid -
Now I wonder where the skeleton can be?
 
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Written and composed by Edgar Bateman & Albert Perry - 1900
Performed by Millie Lindon (b. 1877)
 
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