THE SOCIETY ACTOR
 
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I'm the fellow of whom you've all read,
In the paper known as 'The Gazette';
I do la-di-da on the cheap,
Of 'Sassiety' I am the pet.
I wear the most spotless of shirts,
My washing bill's two pounds a week,
But the size of my shirt-front, I'm told,
Doesn't equal the size of my cheek.

Spoken: Of course, that's only what the common herd say, I'm quite a superior person, you know. Just look at my nose; you see how it turns up, I wear it like that in order to more easily express my scorn of the low, vulgar trades people with whom I condescend to run up bills. What do you say? Who am I, What am I?

Chorus: I'm a society achah!
My creditors I never pay;
I owe gold untold to my laundress you know,
And I've told her she'll get it some day.
I think it most doocibly funny,
To me 'tis the sweetest of sport;
I'm cheeky Charlie, who has no 'dinari',
The pet of the Bankruptsy Court!

My boots are the brightest and best,
Their maker complains of my 'cheek',
Because for them I've never paid,
(Perhaps that's the reason they squeak).
I'm the cleverest actah alive,
I can dance, I can paint, I can sing,
I can drive four in hand, well, in fact,
I may say I can do everything!

Spoken: Heavens! What's this? A bill! From my laundress, too. Oh! this is the most unkindest cut of all! But let her beware! Let her terrremble! This insult to me! To me! when...

Chorus:

I puff a perfumed cigarette,
I'm scented with eau de Cologne,
I'm never in want of a meal,
Although I'm as broke as a stone.
I stop at the dearest hotels,
And all of my swell friends I invite,
But I always have business elsewhere,
When the man with the bill comes in sight.

Spoken: ( man enters with large envelope on tray) What's this? A writ! That base-born bootmaker has the effrontery to sue me! Me! Back, ruffian back! Were I not of noble birth, this strong right arm should thrust the insult vile down thine accursed throat! (tears writ) Back to thine employer, minion! and bid him to know that...
Chorus:
 
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Written and composed by Norton Atkins & Felix McGlennon
Performed by Tom Costello (1863-1943)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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