SPANK THE GRAND PIANO, MATILDA
 
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You talk of your operas and grand music halls,
But they have no enjoyment for me,
For I have a daughter, Matilda by name,
A charming musician is she.
A first-class piano for her I have bought,
Which she's learning below the expense,
She had fourteen lessons at fourteen pence each,
And now she can play it immense.

Chorus: Spank the grand piano, Matilda,
Thump the dominoes, dear,
Sit down and play, come away,
Give us 'The Vacant Chair.'
Give us the strains of the new comic opera,
A kind of tiddy-fol-lol,
That's of a song that's not too long,
And let it wind up with a call.

I've heard Minnie Palmer, I've heard Sarah Rose,
I've heard Madame Patti as well,
But in spite of their warbling and highly pitched notes,
They're not in it along with my girl.
When she starts to sing, her voice is so strong,
When she raises it all the house rocks,
And it gives me great pleasure to listen to her,
As she spanks the old domino box.

Chorus:

Now Matilda's young man can play the banjo,
And he comes every night after tea,
And Harry, the lodger, can play on the flute,
And a first-class musician is he.
Then my eldest daughter plays on the guitar,
As she did at 'The Eagle' so grand,
And then my old woman strums on the jew's harp,
While I am the gaff of the band.

SPOKEN - Yes! I am the gaff of the band. I give them a sentimental song entitled 'Mother, Smack Little Willie's Bottom Lip' The my old woman gives them a tune on the jew's harp; then Matilda sits down to the piano; then the lodger takes out his flute. I may remark that we are all very fond of the lodger's flute. Then I get up on the table with the poker in my hand and shout to them, 'Are you ready? One - two- three-'
Chorus:
 
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Written and composed by George Dance
Performed by J.W. Rowley (1847-1924)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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