STARING ME IN THE FACE
 
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Since yesterday I've understood,
How millionaires must feel
When they make lots of money thro'
Some lucky bus'ness deal.
I've made myself a man of wealth,
Besides a man of brains;
I've not exactly got the wealth,
But still... the fact remains,
It's staring me in the face!... Staring me in the face!
Yesterday, what do you think I did?
Insur'd the missus for fifty quid!
When I look at the po-li-cy,
I think, 'What a terrible case!
Stone broke, with fifty quid...
Staring me in the face!'

I told the wife that I was going
To Brighton for the day,
I met a little girl instead,
And took her to the play.
We strolled about between the acts,
I and this damsel fair,
When all at once I heard a shreik!
My wife was standing there,
Staring me in the face!... Staring me in the face!
But still I wasn't upset, you see;
I looked at her and she looked at me.
Of course she couldn't say anything,
For her's was a similar case!
There she stood with that lodger of ours,
Staring me in the face!

A beauty show, for men, you know,
Was held quite recently.
And several smart young chappies went,
And paid the entrance fee.
I know a man whose handsome looks
No fellows can surpass,
And that man, every morning
When I look into the glass,
Is staring me in the face!... Staring me in the face!
None of the gentlemen won the prize;
On me, the ladies fixed their eyes;
They were fairly carried away
When they saw my 'chivvy chase'...
Carried away on an ambulance through
Staring me in the face!

One night, while riding on my bike,
I had an accident,
I ran into another bike,
And on my back I went.
Then something fell on top of me,
'Twas like a heap of rags;
And in a tick I noticed that
The other rider's bags,
Were staring me in the face!... Staring me in the face!
Oh! What a terrible weight it was;
But soon I had a surprise, be-cos
I discovered it wasn't a man,
I felt a bit out of place,
'Twas an old girl with bloomers on,
Staring me in the face!

 
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Written and composed by Fred Murray & Fred W. Leigh - 1897
Performed by George Robey (1869-1954)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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