THE STEAM ARM
( To the tune of 'The Cork Leg' )
 
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Oh, wonders sure will never cease
While works of art do so increase
No matter whether in war or peace
Men can do whatever they please.
Ri too ral loo ral loo ral loo ral ri too roo ral la.

A curious tale I'm going to unfold
To all of you, as I am told
About a soldier stout and bold
Who's wife, 'tis said, was an arrant scold.
Ri too ral loo ral loo ral loo ral ri too roo ral la.

At Waterloo he lost an arm
Which gave him pain and great alarm
But he soon got well, and grew quite calm
For a shilling a day was a sort of balm.
Ri too ral loo ral loo ral loo ral ri too roo ral la.

The story goes on, that ev'ry night
His wife would bang him, left and right
So he determined, out of spite
To have an arm, cost what it might.
Ri too ral loo ral loo ral loo ral ri too roo ral la.

He went at once, strange it may seem
To have one made to work by steam
For a ray of hope began to gleam
That force of arms would win her esteem.
Ri too ral loo ral loo ral loo ral ri too roo ral la.

The limb was finished, and fixed unto
His stump of a shoulder, neat and true
You'd have thought it there by nature grew
For it stuck to it's place as tight as glue.
Ri too ral loo ral loo ral loo ral ri too roo ral la.

He started home, and knocked at the door
His wife her abuse began to pour
He turned a small peg, and before
He'd time to think, she fell on the floor.
Ri too ral loo ral loo ral loo ral ri too roo ral la.

With policemen soon the place was filled
But every one he nearly killed
For the soldier's arm had been so drilled
That once in action it couldn't be stilled.
Ri too ral loo ral loo ral loo ral ri too roo ral la.

They took him at once before the Mayor
His arm kept moving all the while there
The mayor cried, 'Shake your fist, if you dare'
When the steam arm knocked him out of his chair.
Ri too ral loo ral loo ral loo ral ri too roo ral la.

This raised in court a bit of a clamour
The arm going like an auctioneer's hammer
It fell in weight like a pavior's rammer
And many with fear began to stammer.
Ri too ral loo ral loo ral loo ral ri too roo ral la.

He was locked in a cell, from doing any harm
To satisfy those who still had a qualm
When, all at once, they had an alarm
Down fell the walls and out popped the arm.
Ri too ral loo ral loo ral loo ral ri too roo ral la.

He soon escaped and reached his door
And knocked by steam-raps half a score
But, as the arm in power grew more and more
Bricks, mortar, and wood soon strewed the floor.
Ri too ral loo ral loo ral loo ral ri too roo ral la.

With eagerness he stepped over each chair
Popped into the room - his wife was there
'O come to my arms' she cried 'My dear'
When his steamer smashed the crockery-ware.
Ri too ral loo ral loo ral loo ral ri too roo ral la.

He left his house at length outright
And wanders about just like a sprite
For he can't get sleep, either day or night
And his arm keeps moving with two-horse might.
Ri too ral loo ral loo ral loo ral ri too roo ral la.
 
 
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