STIFFY THE GOALKEEPER
( The Football Match )
 
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Hark to the shouting, Stiffy is the lad they're cheering
Stiffy is the best goalkeeper that ever let a ball through
They said this morning by over a hundred goals they beat us
But they never knew the man they had to deal with
'Cause we only lost by sixty-two
I guarded my goal quite contented and cool
Kept dashing about like a little mad bull
I scarcely had time to draw my breath
It's a wonder I wasn't trampled to death.

Chorus: But when Stiffy's between the sticks
When Stiffy's between the sticks He can stop any kind of ball
A football or a brandy-ball
And all the forwards say
When I'm up to my monkey tricks
'What's the use of me trying to score
When Stiffy's between the sticks.'


(There then follows 38 lines of patter, to the effect that there is only a very small crowd watching the game and Stiffy can't stop any ball however slow, but he's cheered off the field for letting so many in.)

Chorus: But when Stiffy's between the sticks
When Stiffy's between the sticks
He can stop any kind of ball
A football or a brandy-ball
And all the forwards say
When I'm up to my monkey tricks
'What's the use of me trying to score
When Stiffy's between the sticks.'
 
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Written and composed by Harry Castling & C.W. Murphy
Performed by Harry Weldon (1881-1930)
 
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