When the water is wet and the air is dry
A beautiful sight you may then espy
On the pier in the Summer-time there am I
Teaching the ladies to swim
Tho' frightened at first of the water they be
Their confidence soon will return you will see
When they have feasted their eyes upon me
And noticed my figure so trim.

Chorus: As I teach the girls to float
The sea goes down each throat
They say, 'Oh dear, I'm sure to sink.'
I have them up with a charming wink
To my manly chest they cling
And their arms around me fling
Oh! dear, what a time I have
When I teach the girls to swim.

My position is one of a deal of trust
I'm so full of secrets I feel I could bust
For the way some girls make up's enough to disgust
Still not a soul I have told
You would be surprised if some girls you could see
Whose figures you think are from blemish quite free
Why, do you know - that is - well, between you and me
Oh! A tale I could unfold.


Both the single and married I teach to dive
The single young girls can sometimes contrive
To swim under water while I'm counting five
That quite a record I call
But oh! I have tried, but I've found it in vain
For diving the sweet married ladies to train
They under water can never remain
They can't keep their mouths shut at all.

Written and composed by Herbert J. Darnley - 1899
Performed by Dan Leno (1860-1904)
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