THAT'S WHERE THE TROUBLE BEGINS
 
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If you have a daughter, or say a son - That's pleasant
And on the birthday that the lad's twenty-one
You're as happy as happy can be
You buy him a spanking new gold watch and guard - Feeling pleasant
Have a rare show of fireworks out in the back-yard
As happy as happy can be.

Chorus: And you gaily light up the first cracker
Ah! but somehow the thing won't explode
You pick it up as it is smouldering
And shout, 'All stand out of the road!'
You examine it very intently
You shake it, and poke it with pins
Then the blessed thing goes off
And blows off half your nose off
And that's when the trouble begins.


When somebody leaves you a house in their will - That's pleasant
And if a few pounds with it, that's better still
You're as happy as happy can be
To get the house painted you think you'll contrive - 'cos it's pleasant
And when half a dozen house painters arrive
You're as happy as happy can be.

Chorus: And when they put up a long ladder
You feel just as good as a saint
You watch the first painter climb up it
With a couple of tins of black paint
But just as you're standing beneath him
He slips, and on you drops the tins
It lands on your shoulders, you're covered all over
And that's when the trouble begins.


When business is brisk and your takings are great - That's pleasant
You don't stop for eating, you work rather late
Just as happy as happy can be
You pull in the money, and fancy it's fine - Well, it's pleasant
Then roll home to supper, somewhere about nine
Just as happy as happy can be.

Chorus: But when you reach home your sweet missis
Is doing the washing you find
There isn't a symptom of supper
She says you the children must mind
You swear 'cause you can't get your supper
And say, 'No, I shan't mind the twins!'
She lays down her washing to give you a sloshing
And that's where the trouble begins.


On holidays when you play kiss-in-the-ring - That's pleasant
And if you get mashed on some pretty young thing
You're as happy as happy can be
You fancy the game is a splendid affair - well, it's pleasant
And when that young girl puts her hankerchief there
You're as happy as happy can be.

Chorus: She runs, then of course you run after her
And she's an artful young miss
She soon lets you get close upon her
To capture the usual kiss
She dodges your clutches and grins
You fall when you miss her, right bang on your kisser
And that's where the trouble begins.


To live with your 'ma' - who's a widow - I'm sure - must be pleasant
Till she says she would like to be married once more
Just as happy as happy can be
You think to yourself, if she likes married life - perhaps it's pleasant
And so you at once advertise for a wife
Just as happy as happy can be.

Chorus: You're advertisement's very soon answered
By a lady who sends you no name
But makes an appointment to meet you
Of course you turn up to the same
But oh! when you meet, what a caution
You're both nearly knocked off your pins
You stare at each other, oh crumbs it's your mother
Well, that's where the trouble begins.
 
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Performed by W.F. Moss (1855-1946)
 
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