I went out of doors one night
To Jack Johnson and said, 'Good night.'
Passed him, left him far behind
To the park I went like wind.
Whilst in the park did roam
Johnson simply went straight home.
But his wife he could not see
Johnson came out after me, and...

Chorus: In the park, In the dark,
Johnson did walk round me
Stolen kisses, Johnson's missus.
That's where he found me.

On another night went I
For a walk, and, feeling dry
Went into a pub or so,
Just to see the time - you know.
When an early clock struck two
Indoors was a rare to do.
Ev'rybody was afraid,
I was lost or stole or strayed

Chorus: But in the street, off my feet
With houses waltzing round me,
Utterly utter, in the gutter
That's where they found me.

Eager for the battle's fray
I enlisted one fine day
All the army brave - and I
Went to glory or to die
Well, the first day of the fight
Was a sad and woeful sight
Afterwards our colonel said,
'Jones is missing - Jones is dead.'

Chorus: But in the rear, can of beer
And empty cans all round me
Among the clover, is it all over?
That's where they found me.

I was missing for three years
They sought me in the House Of Peers
In the House of Commons too
But I never came to view.
'He is clever,' so they said,
'He's a great man now, or dead
You'll find him judge upon the bench
Or P'raps the Emperor of the French.

Chorus: But in the gloom, padded room
And Colney Hatch all round me,
Sucking lemons, delirium tremens
That's where they found me.

Performed by George Robey (1869-1954)
From Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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