AND THAT'S WHY I'VE NOT GOT 'EM ON!
 
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My wife is such a nervous thing,
At the scratching of a mouse,
She'll make me rise out of my bed,
And search the blooming house;
Just now she swore she heard a noise,
'Twas the waterpipe was humming,
I told her so, but still she said... (voice calls)
All right, my dear, I'm coming!'

Chorus: That's her, that's my wife, thats the missis,
I know that she's my better half,
And this is her husband, this is,
A poor married man, now don't laugh,
What I suffer from her there are few know,
If they did they would pity poor John,
For my missis she wears the, you know,
And thats why I've not got 'em on.

Last night I'd been asleep two hours,
When my wife said, 'John I hear,
A funny sort of rumbling sound,
See what it is my dear!"
I told her 'twas old Brown next door,
On an old piano strumming,
But she wasn't satisfied she said... (voice calls)
All right, my dear, I'm coming
That's her, that's my wife!

Chorus:

On Friday morn 'tween two and three,
She swore without a doubt,
That there were burglars in the house,
She heard them going about.
And still this tale for half an hour,
In my ear she kept on drumming,
Although I knew that she was... (voice calls)
All right, my dear, I'm coming.'

Spoken - I was a fool to marry again, she does treat me badly, goes to the Theatre and leaves me to wash up, she says as I have to get up early to go to work, that it doesn't do for me to go, she thinks I'II enjoy it as well if she tells me all about it. I'm getting tired of it though I get a bit rusty at times, I will not do all she orders me to do, I draw the line at washing down the front steps. She was a widow, Old Weller used to say to his son Sammy, 'Beware of Vidders, Sammy.' He was right . She's so dreadfully mean too, what do you think she did the other day? When I told her that her conduct would soon kill me, she went and took the brass plate off the front door and when I asked the reason for that, she said she would only have to add the age and the day I died and it would do for the coffin , there's ghastly economy for you. Hark! she's calling, 'Yes dear, all right!' She says, I'm to be quick and come back because her feet are cold. All right, my dear, I'm coming...

Chorus:

Performer must roll trouser legs up and wear dressing gown and slippers as if he had just jumped out of bed. He could carry a candle stick with a candle in hand.
 
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Written and composed by Arthur Lloyd - 1800
Performed by Arthur Lloyd (1840 - 1904)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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