THERE'S NO TOAD IN THE TOAD-IN-THE-HOLE
 
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There's no bones in beer and there's no bones in tripe,
And no bones in a best cut of pork,
For dinner today I'd a toad-in-the-'ole,
I stuck in me knife and me fork.
No meat did I find there, inside
So I looked at the wife and I cried,

Chorus: There's no toad in the toad-in-the-'ole,
Toad-in-the-'ole, toad-in-the-'ole.
I've searched the toad-in-the-'ole,
But all I can find is the 'ole.
I've not 'ad a bite since Friday night
So pity a poor, starving soul.
If there's no toad in the toad-in-the-'ole
Give me a plateful of 'ole.

Lord Nelson 'e once 'ad a toad-in-the-'ole,
'E smelt it and gave up all 'ope.
'E searched for the meat for an 'our an' a 'alf,
Then grabbed 'old of 'is long telescope.
'E said to 'is crew standin' by,
No wonder I've lost my right eye.

Chorus: There's no toad in the toad-in-the-'ole,
Toad-in-the-'ole, toad-in-the-'ole.
I've searched the toad-in-the-'ole,
But all I can find is the 'ole.
I've not 'ad a bite since Friday night
So pity a poor, starving soul.
If there's no toad in the toad-in-the-'ole
Give me a plateful of 'ole.

At Buckingham palace I dined with the king,
I took off me collar and tie.
When they brought in the joint I undid my belt,
And said, 'What a good boy, am I.'
The king said, 'You've finished, I guess
Is there any complaints?' I said, 'Yes!'

Chorus: (posh voice) There's no toad in the toad-in-the-hole,
Toad-in-the-hole, toad-in-the-hole.
I've searched the jolly old toad-in-the-hole,
But all I can find is the aperture.
(cockney voice) I've not 'ad a bite since Friday night
Oh, pity a poor, starving soul.
If there's no toad in the toad-in-the-'ole
Give me a plateful of 'ole.

 
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Performed by Ernie Mayne (1871-1937)
 
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