THEY NEVER DO THAT TO ME
 
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I'm beautiful, really I am, on my word,
Of that fact I am fully aware
For a cabman today shouted 'Hansom' to me,
And a tramway man said to me 'Fare'
I've heard girls with other men roam in the dark
Kiss and cuddle in many a lane
In the eve in the country too often I'm told
Men make other girls lose their last train.

Chorus: But they never do that to me
They never do that to me
To girls men will whisper soft nothings and stuff
But they never do that to this fluffity fluff
Ah me, ah me, what can the reason be?
I've known Dukes and Lords marry girls on the boards
But they never do that to me.


Some girls when they go to the seaside for a change
Are escorted all over the place
And the men rush like mad to the spot where they bathe
To catch the least glimpse of their face
Though I've bathed in the sauciest costume on earth
Yet the men - well, they're really no class
Turn their backs on me, though when other girls bathe
Each man eyes them through his opera glass

Chorus: But they never do that to me
They never do that to me
Though my legs they are slim, well, they're really genteel
And, baring the calves, every bit of them real
Ah me, ah me, what can the reason be?
When some girls their calves show, I'v heard men holloa, 'Oh.'
But they never do that to me.


There are men, married men, who buy diamonds and things
For the ladies all over the place
Only one man e'er offered to buy me a thing
And he said he'd buy me a new face
There are men who through love from old England have fled
When to love they have given the reins
And I've heard of poor boys who through love killed themselves
Then blew out their young ladies brains.

Chorus: But they never do that to me
They never do that to me
They don't blow out my brains people whisper about
Because scandal says I've no brains to blow out
Ah me, ah me, what can the reason be?
Men in love oft I read do some desparate deed
But they never do that to me.
 
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Written and composed by E.W. Rogers - 1897
Performed by Arthur W. Rigby (1865-1944)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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