THE THIRTEEN CLUB
 
Charles Collette
 
Some friends of mine, they formed a band to put down superstition
They called themselves the thirteen club, 'twas thirteen pence admission
My wife said, 'Don't you join it Charles, you're bound to be unlucky.'
I said, 'I want to prove that you've a husband wise and plucky.'
I paid my thirteen pence and joined, but felt a wretched sinner
When Smith the Chairman said that we must have an opening dinner
We all sat down, just thirteen, such a melancholy set
For the look upon our faces I shall never quite forget.

Chorus: Then Jones smashed a looking glass, so did all of us
We spilt the salt and crossed the knives, and didn't care a cuss
We'd thirteen cock-eyed waiters too, to hand around the grub
A plucky lot of bounders in the thirteen club.


The Chairman made a speech, and said we all were lucky fellers
To prove that he was right we then all opened our umbr'llas
We pulled the window blind up - the moon through glass to view there
But every Thirteen clubber went and swore that he saw two there
The manager came in and saw the broken looking glasses
He put them all down in the bill - which made us look such asses
He said, 'If you'd smash mirrors when you next come here to dine
You bring your own to practise on, and don't smash mine.'

Chorus:

When Jones got home to Peckham Rye, he found the wife he trusted
Had bolted with the lodger chap, and all the pipes had busted
Binks fell down a sewer trap, and Gibbs, that prince of jokers
Went home and found the burglars in, and Simpson found the brokers
And Smith, who crossed the knives, got home and took to whiskey niplets
His doctor met him on the mat, and slyly whispered, 'Triplets'
Poor Smurks he caught a housemaid's knee - but couldn't tell you how
And not one of the blooming Club knows where 'e are now.

Chorus:
 
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Written and composed by Fredrick Bowyer & Henry E. Pether - 1894
Performed by Charles Collette (1842-1924)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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