THREE CHAPTERS
 
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Two dear old chums, who had been pals since they were college boys,
And never parted all their lives, dividing cares and joys,
Once suddenly discovered that they're drifting far apart!
For gay night seem to vanish and the old larks never start;
The meet and Bill says, 'Harry, how is it you are so scarce?
The people think we've had a row, or maybe something worse!'
Then Harry with a knowing wink, says, 'I'm all right, old pal!'
And Bill at once surmises that the problem is a gal!

Chorus: 'So you're smitten?' 'Just a little!'
'Is she pretty?' 'Stands alone!
She's the dandy of the lot, I mean to say!'
'Any figure?' 'Like a Venus!'
'And her shape is?' 'All her own!
You couldn't find her equal, anyway!'

Instead of going to his club to meet his old pal Bill,
Each night finds Harry shaved and dressed with care quite restless till,
The church clock chimes the hour which tells a visit he must pay,
To see the charmer who has drawn him from his club away.
Observe him as he nervously approaches her street door!
A bashful knock, a hurried shake, to fix himself before;
He hears a step approaching and the servant girl appears;
And then this conversation there, one generally hears;

Chorus: 'Ev'ning Mary, I'm a nuisance!'
'Master's out!' Oh! is Miss Kate?'
'Guess not much, while you're about, sir, I should say!'
'In the Parlour?' 'No, she's dressing!'
'Oh, then thanks, I'd better wait!
You bet your boots that Harry's come to stay!'

The years roll by and changes come, as changes always will;
And once again by chance, our hero meets his old Bill;
But, what a change! for harry has not found a fitting mate,
Whilst bill has lived contented in a happy married state!
'Comparisons are odious!' but oh! it is so strange,
For Bill is bright and lively still, in Harry there's a change!
For o'er a glass they sit and chat and think of bygone days;
It's a novel in a nutshell too, as Bill to Harry says;

Chorus: 'So, you're married!' 'Yes, I'm married!'
'And you're happy?' 'Well, so so!'
'And the wife's well?' 'When I left her, yesterday!'
'Any children?' 'Four... and beauties!'
'You are lucky! One more drink?'
'The wife objects to more than one a day!'

 
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Written and composed by Walter De Frece & Chas. E. Pratt - 1894
Performed by Vesta Tilley (1864-1952)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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