THREE TIMES A DAY
 
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Once when I was a kid, three times a day,
I went to school, I did, three times a day.
So dumb, I used to be, couldn't say my A.B.C.
Teacher took me 'cross her knee, three times a day.

I used to have sweethearts, three times a day,
They bought me tea and tarts, three times a day.
One summer's afternoon, met a chap, got married soon,
We used to sit and spoon, three times a day.

My sister used to sigh, three times a day,
Fearing her old man would die, three times a day.
He's gone to pay for his life's sins, now she's married to Mr. Binns,
Oh, dear girl's expecting... gloves, three times a day.

Once, while sitting near the brook, three times a day,
I had my photo took, three times a day.
Just as the man was taking me, up there come a bumble-bee,
Stung me on a Saturday, three times a day.

My husband used to say, three times a day,
'Cause we've got no family ties, three times a day.
He wants a girl or boy, that's the part that does annoy,
All I do is wish him joy, three times a day.

 
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Performed by Nellie Wallace (1870-1948)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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