My name is Percy Prattle, well known up and down,
For my patter versus clatter on the topics of the town;
A one's my motto nothing else for me
Good as well as Deakin's tea.
I've a deal of land left by my sire,
A noble castle in Ayrshire.
I'm tall but short of tin but can do the trick
Like a watch am I for I do it on tick.
Tick! tick! tick! tick! ha! ha!

Chorus: Now on we go again for I never stick
No doubt you're surprised it's done on tick
I'm a happy, jolly dog as you can see,
And tick's the little game for me.

Now many fast gents you've seen, no doubt,
Who think they're lions at a ball or rout;
But I'm the ticket of the day,
And the fun is I'm never asked to pay.
My tradesmen bow when e'er we meet,
And as a monarch, me they greet;
Poole's my tailah an establish'd brick,
All the latest fashions and does it on
Tick! tick! tick! tick! ha! ha!


Of course, in the season, to Brighton I go,
On the Grand Parade I make a show;
Lounge along the beach with glass in eye
And quiz the pretty girls on the sly.
I know all the boys of the 'Skylark' boat,
Bitter beer them all and manage the float;
Then I go to Mutton's, a bit of lamb to pick,
Wind up with sherry and all on tick.
Tick! tick! tick! tick! ha! ha!


At the Music Halls oft I'm seen about
When they sing the "jolly dogs" then I'm good to shout
There's not a comic man but what I know,
They put me on the free list to go.
Then I do a stately promenade
Breaking females' hearts if they're not too hard.
Drink my sherry cobbler blow a pickwick
And 'square' the waiter all on tick.
Tick! tick! tick! tick! ha! ha!


I'm looking for a wife 80 years of age,
If she's as many hundreds why we may engage;
Girls don't he alarmed list awhile to me,
And I'll explain how it is you see.
Marriage is dear I can't stand the outlay.
One can't wed on tick and I never pay.
Unless amongst you here, I could chance to pick
Some charmer who'd marry this heavy swell on tick.
Tick! tick! tick! tick! ha! ha!

Written and composed by Alfred G. Vance - 1865
Performed by Alfred Vance (1839 - 1888)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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