I'm quite a hypochondriac - in aches and pains I revel
In sampling patent medicines they say I'm quite a devil...
A lady doctor I call on, for hours we sit and chatter
She simply takes my pulse like this -and tells me what's the matter
Each ache and pain at once departs - as soon as my physician starts.

Chorus: Touching that little affair, touching that little affair
She holds my wrists and watches me
And my pulse goes up to ninety-three
Leave off, Gertrude, I'm better I do declare
Directly the lady doctor starts,
Touching that little affair.

I don't say I'm a ruffian - but at a rough and tumble
And with a man just half my size it's odds upon 'your humble'
At biting lumps off policemen's legsI must say I've a weakness
And on that charge the other day I stood before the beak-ness
The slop upon the case enlarged - the magistrate said, 'You're charged with,

Chorus: Touching that little affair, touching that little affair
Policemen's noses, you must know,
Are not for such as you to blow
You've not hurt him? Well, you've done your share
A couple of quid or else a month,
For touching his little affair.

In truth I am a married man - although I may not look it
I saw the opportunity and one dark night I took it
Her dowry was one thousand pounds, a mere 'tut tut', a trouble
It was not money, I'd have wed her if it had been double
The day arrived the guests had flown, said I, 'Now we are alone

Chorus: 'Touching that little affair, touching that little affair
Don't you try to squeal or squirm
I shall be delicate, but firm
I'm not greedy - I only want my share
So bring me the thousand quidlets now,
Touching that little affair.

I courted once a charming girl, and I was fairly smitten
She used to play about with me - as if I was a kitten
Her father was a massive brute - a regular eighteen stoner
And I'd tell this fleshy mass - That I desired to own her
I screwed my courage up to there and said with a nonchant air,

Chorus: 'Touching that little affair, touching that little affair
Your daughter I desire to wed,
And I've got the furniture - and - chairs.'
Then the old man began to rave and swear
And very soon the toe of his boot
Was touching that little affair.