Now a dog, a parrot and an old Tom cat
Once lived with a nice old maid
They would never separate, they'd long sworn that
But each was very much afraid
He'd be cut out and sent about
His business by a man
Who, though he was very old and staid
Came courting that nice old maid.

Now the dog, the parrot and the cat agreed
To play a deep, deep plot
Said the parrot, 'From him we must be freed
So tonight we'll give it him hot.'
And when that bird their kisses heard
He swore like a Hottentot
The old maid shrieked, 'Who taught you to swear?'
Said the parrot, 'Why, that man there!'

Now that nice old maid she sobbed and sighed
And reproached her aged beau
Who said, 'That bird has foully lied
No swear words do I know.'
But just at that the old Tom cat
Scratched the leg of that old beau
Who used some word, it was ham or jam
Or perhaps the mother of a lamb.

Now that dear old maid jumped up with a start
And the lover up jumped he
And just at that moment the dog, from his heart
Let forth a wail of agony
The same as though he had received a blow
Said the old maid, 'We must part
You kick my dog, teach my parrot to swear
So, to come near me again don't dare!'

Now the dog, the parrot and the old Tom cat
They chuckled with all their might
And congratulated each other that
The little plan had worked all right
But ill they were paid for that old maid
Died of a broken heart that night
And she left her pets to relatives three
So they had to separate you see.

Now there is a morale to my sad, sad tale
And let it not be forgot
The force of circumstance don't bewail
Be contented with your lot
Or perhaps some day you, many of you, may
From fickle fortune catch it hot
And like the three little pets in my song
You will find your lives are all gone wrong.
Performed by G. Wallis Arthur
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