Miss Crotchety Quaver was sweet seventeen
And a player of excellent skill
She would play all the day, all the ev'ning as well
Making all the neighbourhood ill
And to keep her piano in tune she would have
A good tuner constantly there
And he'd pull up the instrument three times a week
Just to keep it in proper repair.

Chorus: And first he'd tune it gently, then he'd tune it strong
Then he'd touch a short note, then he'd run along
Then he'd go with vengeance enough to break the key
At last he tuned whene'er he got an oppor-tuner-ty.

He came there so often I thought I'd complain
That in March, April, May, and in June
That the tuner had been there once ev'ry day
To keep her piano in tune
I said 'He's too often here hanging about
And he's costing you no end of pelf
If your instrument wants such a lot of repairs
I'll attend to the business myself.'


But vainly I spoke to Miss Crotchety Q
She said, 'Fred, I'll do just as I please'
And the very next time I called I saw
That tuner still fingering the keys
I said, 'Get out'. They said, 'Get out yourself'
And they meant it for out of the place
I went with a foot (his or hers) in my back
And the door was slammed in my face.


I got over my folly, I courted again
A bewitching but sensible maid
But I went in for tuning, and in less than a month
I was quite an adept at the trade
Now we're married, and all my doubts and my fears
Are for ever more, laid on the shelf
For if ever her instrument gets out of tune
I am able to tune it myself.
Written and composed by Fred Coyne & Harry Adams - 1879
Performed by Fred Coyne (1845-1886)
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