THE UNFORTUNATE MAN
 
div
 
Behold a wretched object who is never known to smile,
No joys have I to cheer me and no nothing to beguile;
My tears I scarcely can restrain, I do feel so forlorn,
I've always been unfortunate, since ever I was born.

Chorus: I've always been unfortunate,
Awfully unfortunate,
Dreadfully unfortunate
Since ever I was born.

Why was I ever born at all, I very often say,
When I see nought but wretchedness each hour, in fact each day.
The sun it never shines on me, from year to year I mourn,
I've always been unfortunate, since ever I was born.

Chorus:

Blighted was my childhood, ah! a most unhappy one,
My heart knocked into little bits, my youth and beauty gone;
No loving words fall on my ear, I'm looked upon with scorn,
If I'd known what I had to bear I'd never have been born.

SPOKEN - If ever I was born, I don't remember it. My earliest recollection is being whipped for purloining a penny to purchase a pop-gun, with an additional box on the ears for laughing at my father.
That's the last time I ever laughed. I used to go every Wednesday to a Sunday school but I couldn't learn, so I was thrashed. When I cried, the master said, 'What are ye howling at?' I continued to weep but made no reply. The master said, 'D'ye hear, answer me, what are ye howling at?' I replied, 'I'm howling at you.' He said, 'Don't answer back!' and knocked me down. Then he kicked me and said, 'What are you doing down there? get up!' And when I rose up, he knocked me down again and kicked me for falling. I was unfortunate.
When I was a prattling innocent, the nurse took me out for a walk and dropped me head foremost into a pond and I've had water on the brain ever since. Then I enlisted for a soldier but I couldn't learn my drill. When the sergeant said, 'Stand at ease.' I sat down. When he called out, 'Present arms.' I stood thus... and when he said, 'Fire.' I knocked him down. He said I was too good for a soldier, that I'd make a better policeman, so he turned me out. I was unfortunate.
Then I fell in love, that was the most unfortunate fall I ever had. The object of my affections was a widow. She'd buried three husbands, she secured me for her fourth. I was unfortunate. She's always throwing her former husbands in my teeth. If I offend her, she says, 'Ah, my poor, dear first would not have treated me thus.' or, 'My darling second loved me.' or again, 'Ah, my third was a man.' If she continues her course of conduct, she'll soon bury her fourth. I am unfortunate. We're always quarrelling, she threw a chest of drawers at me last week, it landed on my favourite corn and I've had the tooth-ache ever since. I am unfortunate.

Chorus:
 
div
 
Written, composed and Performed by Arthur Lloyd (1840-1904)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
div
 
 
home spaceA spaceB spaceC spaceD spaceE spaceF spaceG spaceH spaceI spaceJ spaceK spaceL spaceM spaceN spaceO spaceP spaceQ spaceR spaceS spaceT spaceU spaceV spaceW spaceX spaceY spaceZ