VAIN REGRETS
 
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I am strangely unlucky by nature - my life is one long vain regret
For my trouble is this, all the good things I miss. All the bad I get
I was recently at a card party, in the tropics where earthquakes abound
I had two tricks to make, when the roof gave a shake and fell to the ground

Chorus: I'm sorry the roof fell in, in the midst of our friendly game
I'm sorry the roof fell in, but regrets are vain
Though I just escaped, all the others were killed
So my sorrow you'll quite understand
I'm sorry the roof fell in - for you see
I'd the King and the Ace in my hand.


Maybe I'm related to Jonah, my luck's so consistently bad
A big dog I brought home started straight in to foam that dog was mad
Off he went at a tear round the houses
When, remembering he cost me a pound
I got hold of a gun and I started to run, but I lost the hound

Chorus: I'm sorry I lost the dog, for he bit everyone he espied
I'm sorry I lost the dog, ten he bit, ten died
If I'd known he was mad I'd have locked him indoors
Oh, how noble, indeed it's sublime
(My rich Uncle Ned, whose heir I shall be
Was alone in the house at the time).


I was certainly born to misfortune, next door to my house you must know
Just between you and me, it's a trifle O.T. It's a studio
The old milliner on the next corner thought her young ladies were late getting back
So to that studio one fine evening did go, the girls got the sack!

Chorus: I'm sorry about those girls, whom she saw robed in classical styles
I'm sorry for those sweet girls, who wore rings - and smiles
Just imagine it, next door to my modest home
At the thought 'wibbly -wobbly' I go
I'm sorry - poor girls! (My window, you see
Looks right down into that studio).


My career has been very unhappy (regrets cannot better my case)
But I'll never forget a policeman I met (what a sad disgrace)
One fine morn as the milkman was chanting his sweet chalkily- watery cry
As that 'copper' grabbed me, I lashed out, d'you see and he lost one eye.

Chorus: I'm sorry he lost one eye, though perfect the other remained
I'm sorry about his eye, for I got detained
He identified me (with the eye he had left)
And to jail I retired for a spell
I'm sorry I knocked out one eye, for I ought
To have knocked out the other as well.
 
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Written and composed by Sax Rohmer & Henry E Pether - 1908
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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