THE VILLAGE CONSTABLE
 
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Ah, wot a moighty wicked place our village it 'ud be
If 'twasn't vur the care Oi takes from crime to keep free
Oi've taught 'un to respect the law since Oi've been in the force
An' wot Oi sez, they 'as to do, they 'as to do, of course
Oi can't 'ave that, Oi sez, Oi can't, Oi bean't agoin' to tell 'ee why
An' don't 'ee try no tricks on 'cos Oi'm moighty sharp and floy
Oi can't 'ave that , Oi sez, Oi can't, Ah you may stan' an' gi' Oi jaw
But when I sez a thing, Oi sez, the thing Oi sez be law.

They troies all koinds o' bribes wi' Oi, but Lor! Oi knows their game
There's nowt Oi can't see through at once, Oi puts 'un all to shame
Oi be that quick they knows wi' Oi, they don't stan' 'arf a chance
Oi be a reg'lar master-piece to see things at a glance
Oi can't 'ave that, Oi sez, Oi can't, I bean't agoin' to tell 'ee why
An' don't 'ee try no tricks on 'cos Oi'm moighty sharp and floy
Oi can't 'ave that , Oi sez, Oi can't, Ah you may stan' an' gi' Oi jaw
But when I sez a thing, Oi sez, the thing Oi sez be law.

It's 'ard work tho', vor Muddleston's a moighty busy place
There's foive an' forty people an' they likes to go the pace
But Lor! Oi've got 'un all inside, the 'oller o' my 'and
They dursent call their souls their own, Oi tell 'ee as it's grand.

They don't take no liberties wi' Oi, an' Oi takes none of their sarce. It's the Majesty of the Law as Oi stan's vur. Mr Bumblehead, our magistrate, 'e thinks the world of Oi.
"Sergeant" sez 'e, meetin' me friendly-loike one day in a lane, "Be there many criminals in these 'ere parts?" sez 'e.
"'Eaps," sez Oi.
"'Ow's that?" sez 'e, "Oi ain't 'ad a serious charge up avore me vur nigh on three year or more?"
"Oi sees to that," Oi sez, "Oi don't allow no croime about 'ere."
"Lord" sez 'e.
"Ah" sez 'Oi "Oi puts my fut on it" I sez, "Nothing loike it if you know 'ow, Oi puts my fut on it" I sez.
"Ah! you could teach Sherlock 'olmes a bit," sez 'e
"Oi could," sez Oi.
"But 'ow do you put your fut on it?" sez 'e.
"Well" sez Oi, "Oi be sharp" I sez, "an' I be floy that gi'es Oi a start, then" sez Oi, "If Oi sees a criminal, I knows 'un at a glance" Oi sez. "You're a criminal" Oi sez, an' when Oi gets 'un fairly in a corner, an 'e tells Oi a 'e's agoin' to start a-burglin'...

Oi can't 'ave that, Oi sez, Oi can't, I bean't agoin' to tell 'ee why
An' don't 'ee try no tricks on 'cos Oi'm moighty sharp and floy
Oi can't 'ave that , Oi sez, Oi can't, Ah you may stan' an' gi' Oi jaw
But when I sez a thing, Oi sez, the thing Oi sez be law.

 
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Written and composed by Albert Chevalier and Alfred H West - 1909
Performed by Albert Chevalier (1861-1923)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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