THE VILLAGE PUMP
 
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There's a pretty little village far away,
Where they grows new potaters, corn and 'ay,
There's a tricklin' little rill,
That works a little mill,
And the mill it keeps a-workin' all the day.
There's a lot of little 'ouses in a lump,
And a pub call'd the Magpie and Stump,
But you make no mistake,
The thing that takes the cake,
Is the pride of all the place, the Village Pump.
The Village Pump, The Village Pump,
The Village Pump, Pump, Pump, Pump, Pump,
The Village Pump, The Village Pump,
The Village Pump, Pump, Pump, Pump, Pump.

Now our Squire 'e likes a bit of fun,
So when 'is boy was twenty-one
'E give us all a treat,
There was nuts and things to eat,
And the kids got an orange and a bun.
There was candy for the boys and gals to crump,
And races where you 'op, skip and jump,
But to celebrate the day
In a proper sort of way,
We shoved another 'andle on the Pump.
On the Pump, The Village Pump,
The Village Pump, Pump, Pump, Pump, Pump,
The Village Pump, The Village Pump,
The Village Pump, Pump, Pump, Pump, Pump.

We 'ad a new policeman t'other week,
A sloppy-lookin' feller so to speak,
One that thought he was all there,
But by gum I do declare
He was what you'd call a sort of livin' freak,
The neighbours say as 'ow 'e's off 'is chump,
For one night he came across a biggish lump,
He says, 'Move on, you're tight!'
But when 'e showed a light,
He found out he was talkin' to the Pump!
To the Pump, The Village Pump,
The Village Pump, Pump, Pump, Pump, Pump,
The Village Pump, The Village Pump,
The Village Pump, Pump, Pump, Pump, Pump.

One night the rummiest chap we'd ever seen,
Give a temperance lecture on the green,
'E said us fellers 'ere
Was much too fond of beer,
And 'e spouted like a penny Magazine.
'E run down the Magpie and Stump,
Till we all began to get the bloomin' 'ump,
'E says 'Water - that's for me.'
We all says - 'Right you be!'
So we took 'im out and ducked 'im at the Pump.
At the Pump, The Village Pump,
The Village Pump, Pump, Pump, Pump, Pump,
The Village Pump, The Village Pump,
The Village Pump, Pump, Pump, Pump, Pump.

Our milkman's bin a-getting' in a fuss,
We noticed that 'is milk was getting' wuss
He'd got a kind of scheme
Where 'e collared all the cream,
And it used to make the women sort of cuss.
So one night we found 'im out fair and plump,
We followed up the milkman in a lump,
We kept 'im well in sight,
Where 'e went you know all right,
For there was a lively meetin' round the Pump.
Round the Pump, The Village Pump,
The Village Pump, Pump, Pump, Pump, Pump,
The Village Pump, The Village Pump,
The Village Pump, Pump, Pump, Pump, Pump.
 
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Written and performed by Archie Naish (b. 1878)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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