THE VULGAR FAMILY.
 

Some six or seven months ago a family I knew,
A most untidy family and very vulgar too,
I've travelled much, but I must say, I never yet did see
Such a nasty, dirty, vulgar and untidy family.
At breakfast Tommy talked so loud and sang such vulgar songs,
Took sugar with his fingers, and ignored the sugar tongs,
And Johnny picked the nicest bits of toast from out the rack,
And often licked the jammy spoon and then would put it back.

Chorus: It was a very vulgar family,
A most untidy, dirty family,
I've travelled many miles, but never yet did see
Such a dirty vulgar untidy family.

I noticed that the old man every now and then would stuff
His nasal organ heartily with quantities of snuff,
And as we sat at dinner it was my unlucky fate,
To see him drop the half of it right into my soup plate.
And when I said, "No soup for me.', he answered, "Oh, you must,
Not like soup? Oh, humbug why I could sup it till I bust."
And when I asked politely if a tumbler he would pass,
He handed it with his fat dirty fingers in the glass.

Chorus:

The same day, too, while dining I asked for a bit of bread,
When Billy threw a piece across and hit me on the head,
And in trying to carve a fowl the old man had a great mishap,
The carving knife slipped and the fowl went right into my lap.
The old fellow laughed heartily and hoped I wasn't hurt,
Took his snuffy handkerchief and wiped the gravy off my shirt,
Then picked the fowl up in his hand, and held it while he carved
And offered me a wing, but no, I couldn't if I'd starved.

Chorus:

Fanny, tho' a pretty girl, gentle, young and fair,
Was sitting at the table with a towsy head of hair,
Through her ragged dress I saw a dirty petticoat beneath,
And you'd fancy by the look of them she never cleaned her teeth.
I really never met with such a lot in all my life,
I noticed Master David gobble up peas with his knife,
And Tommy, whom I named before, a monkey aged eight,
I saw without, the slightest hesitation, lick his plate.

Chorus:

 
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Written and composed by Arthur Lloyd - 1892
Performed by Arthur Lloyd (1840 - 1904)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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