When I went on my honeymoon, some years ago
I thought, 'Now I'll find what married bliss is!
But one little circumstance spoiled the show
For the wife's mother came with the missus!
Some Corsican bandits surprised us one day
And the chief said, "I'm sorry to say it,
You must ransom yourselves or get shot!" I said, "Pray?
If you keep us here, how can I pay it?"
He said, "If you go... will you promise to pay?
If you don't you'll defeat your own ends,
The wife and yourself can depart from this land
But as hostage, her mother, must stay with the band!"
I said, "Right then, she stops here!" and shaking his hand
We departed the best of friends.

As rivals, the same lady's husband to be
Was me and a fellow called Lister.
We hated each other... the maid fancied me
Out of pique he then married her sister.
My wedding day came, the church door I'd just reached
When Lister dashed up pale and harried,
"Stop, stop... 'ere the hour is too late!" he beseeched
"I've learned a bit since I've been married,
I'm one of the family now and I know
Go in there and your happiness ends!
One wreck is enough, be advised... look at me
And mine can't hold a candle to your wife to be!"
As I took to my heels, I said, "Lad, I thank thee!"
And we parted the best of friends,

I once ran a flourishing business in town
But my partner, Bill Smithers, levanted,
Left me in the lurch, at the heel I was down,
And a bankrupt's discharge I was granted.
Ten years after that, Smithers wired for me,
"Come at once, at Death's door I am lying!"
When I reached him, he was relieved I could see
Poor fellow... he knew he was dying.
"I've made you my heir to ten thousand..." he said
"For the past I must make some amends."
"Is there no chance?" I said, "must you turn up your toes?"
He answered me, "None!" I said, "One never knows."
So I poured out some arsenic... and gave him a dose
And we parted the best of friends.

I once saw a man on an auctioneer' s stall
The crowd he was busily kidding.
He showed me a sovereign, shut up in a purse
Then he asked me to start off the bidding.
The bidding went on 'til it got to a pound
Then the auctioneer said, "Sir, you've won it!"
So I paid him a quid and he gave me the purse
And the people all cried, " Now you've done it!"
For all that I found was a 'five shilling piece'
Though I ransacked the purse at each end
The people, with laughter, all started to yell,
"You've made a bad bargain" they all cried, "What a fell!"
But the sovereign I paid was a bad one as well...
And we parted the best of friends.

Performed by George Robey (1869-1954)
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