WHAT A GRAND PLACE LONDON TOWN WOULD BE
 
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Mister Brown, one day, came to look at London Town
He wandered here and wandered there
All over the place he went
He gazed at all the wonderful sights
And stayed out rather late at night
He found some things to suit him and a wondeful time he spent
When he got home again they gathered round him like a shot
They said, 'What's London like?' and Brown replied, 'I'll tell you what,

Chorus: 'If Margate were down in Regent street
Blackpool in Leicester Square
If the Isle of Man were somewhere down the Strand
Oh it would be grand, listening to the band
If Brighton fair were in Trafalgar Square
Piccadilly all surrounded by the sea
And you could bathe with all the girls down Bond Street
What a grand place London Town would be.'


Down the Strand it would be grand to lie upon the silv'ry sand
And some nice little damsel's head resting upon your chest
In Leicester square the beautiful dears would all be underneath the piers
And counting all the buttons that you've got on your fancy vest
Down Piccadilly you would notice Harry, Dick and John
Watching girls with their 'Maudie Allen' bathing costumes on.

Chorus:

Regent Street would be a treat, the girls could bathe their dainty feet
There'd be some couples hunting, too, for cockles upon the rocks
In Leicester square you could have a dash
There teaching fat girls how to splash
They'd all be throwing sea-weed at your beautiful fancy socks
And if you got amongst them when they're bathing there's no doubt
You'd have to watch yourself, because they're sure to find you out.

Chorus:
 
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Performed by Mark Sheridan (1864-1918)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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