WHAT A VERY GREAT IMPROVEMENT IT WOULD BE
 
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If comic songs of ancient jokes were less full
What a very great improvement it would be
If I only thought that mine would be successful
What a very great improvement it would be
If I could only move the earth to laughter
So that Englishmen would only shake with glee
And Scotsmen see the joke - the morning after
What a very great improvement it would be.

Chorus: What a very great improvement it would be
It's absolutely clear to you and me
If I got laughs, and loud'uns
For jokes like Mr Plowdens
What a very great improvement it would be.

If our fav'rite dishes we were not afraid of
What a very great improvement it would be
If we only knew what sausages were made of
What a very great improvement it would be
If shopmen didn't tell such whackers
If 'polonies' weren't such bags of mysteree
If we were sure they came not from the knackers
What a very great improvement it would be.

Chorus: What a very great improvement it would be
It's absolutely clear to you and me
If each sausage bore a label
Stating when it left the stable
What a very great improvement it would be.


If Lipton only won a prize for yachting
What a very great improvement it would be
If he could contrive to rake that Yankee pot in
What a very great improvement it would be
If sport and trade were only put in brackets
If Lipton's sails were always sales of tea
If his yachts were as successful as his packets
What a very great improvement it would be.

Chorus: What a very great improvement it would be
It's absolutely clear to you and me
If before the breeze he ran in
Took the cup but not the tannin
What a very great improvement it would be.

If we put a stop to alien immigration
What a very great improvement it would be
If we didn't get the scum of every nation
What a very great improvement it would be
If the Russian Jews would shuffle back to Poland
If the German's would remain in Germanee
And if we could send the rest to Hel - igoland
What a very great improvement it would be.

Chorus: What a very great improvement it would be
It's absolutely clear to you and me
If in the foreign quarter
They made use of soap and water
What a very great improvement it would be.

If this sketch dispute was settled up and ended
What a very great improvement it would be
If the theatres and the Music Halls were blended
What a very great improvement it would be
If we put an end to all this petty malice
And George Robey would combine with Mr Tree
And do a triple bar act at the Palace
What a very great improvement it would be.

Chorus: What a very great improvement it would be
Then Music Hall performers such as we
In the drama would be playing
Which might start the theatres paying
What a very great improvement it would be.

If the telephone had never been invented
What a very great improvement it would be
If the systems didn't drive us all demented
What a very great improvement it would be
If from Central you could get a Gerrard number
In the interval from breakfast time and tea
Without rousing the Exchange girls from their slumber
What a very great improvement it would be.

Chorus: What a very great improvement it would be
If the lines weren't always crossing don't you see
It would save a lot of curse words
Such as - asterisks and worse words
What a very great improvement it would be.

 
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Written and composed by Arthue Wimperis & Harry Gabriel Pelissier
Performed by Harry G. Pellissier (1874-1913)
 
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