WHEN POOR OLD FATHER TRIED TO KILL THE COCK-A-DOODLE-OO
 
div
 
Said ma one day to pa, 'I'd like a bit of poultry.'
Dad said, 'Right you are! I'll go and kill the cock.'
With chopper in his hand, he interviewed the bird,
'Twas father's greatest fight, for in the first round this occurred:

Chorus: When poor old father tried to kill the cock-a-doodle-oo,
You talk of balaklava and the field of Waterloo,
It fastened on his raspb'ry nose and round and round he flew,
And you couldn't tell poor father from the cock-a-doodle-oo.
When poor old father tried to kill the cock-a-doodle-oo,
The neighbours shouted, 'Coward, he's not tall enough for you.'
So dad went on his hands and knees and skin and whiskers flew,
For father had a cock-fight with the cock-a-doodle-oo.

When father, just for spoof, sparred up and brought his left round
The cock flew up on the roof and while we shouted, 'Foul!'
Dad climbed the gutter spout and on the chimney stack,
He wrestled with the cock and got him down upon his back:

Chorus: When poor old father tried to kill the cock-a-doodle-oo,
They both fell down the chimney, father got stuck in the flue.
Said mother, as she grabbed his tootsies, 'While I pull you through,
You had better sweep the chimney with the cock-a-doodle-oo.'
When poor old father tried to kill the cock-a-doodle-oo,
The bird jumped in the dustbin and poor father jumped in too.
Said mother, 'Put the lid on! I can get new dads for you,
But I mightn't ever get another cock-a-doodle-oo.'

Dad shoved it in the tank and did his best to drown it,
But Oh! it never sank, it had been hatched by a duck.
And when it knocked him down, with just one mighty peck,
A pair of hens were laying soft-shelled eggs down father's neck:

Chorus: When poor old father tried to kill the cock-a-doodle-oo,
'We shan't want any football match,' we shouted, 'this'll do!
It's true he's lost his right wing and he's lost his left wing too,
But the spurs are 'Tott'nham Hotspurs' on the cock-a-doodle-oo'
When poor old father tried to kill the cock-a-doodle-oo,
He blunted all the knives and forks and broke the chopper too,
We called out all the police force and the Lifeguards Red and Blue,
And we wired for Winston Churchill to our cock-a-doodle-oo.

Said father, white and grim, as he picked up the clothes line,
'I'll soon settle him! I'll hang him, so help me Bob!'
And when he'd tied the rope, round that bird's neck so tight,
He poked it through the keyhole and he pulled with all his might:

Chorus: When poor old father tried to kill the cock-a-doodle-oo,
The string was round his neck but oh! the bird knew what to do,
And soon we saw poor father, at the age of sixty-two,
Dragged half-way through the keyhole by that cock-a-doodle-oo.
When poor old father tried to kill the cock-a-doodle-oo,
A man rode up on horseback with a paper coloured blue;
He handed it to dad, who said, 'There won't be any stew!
Lor lummy! it's a pardon for our cock-a-doodle-oo!'
 
div
 
Written and composed by Weston & Barnes - 1911
Performed by Billy Williams (1877-1915)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
div
 
home spaceA spaceB spaceC spaceD spaceE spaceF spaceG spaceH spaceI spaceJ spaceK spaceL spaceM spaceN spaceO spaceP spaceQ spaceR spaceS spaceT spaceU spaceV spaceW spaceX spaceY spaceZ