WHERE'S THE BUTLER?
 
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My Maiden Aunt in town when she
Makes out a millionaire I'll be
The bulter knows it too, I owe him ten years screw
One day while strolling by my pond
Right in poor Auntie rolled
Her shrieks just pierced me through and through
I cried, I sighed, 'I'd die for you, but I've got such a cold.'

Chorus: 'Where's the butler? Where the, where's the butler?
Aah, there you are - you beauty.
This brick will put her out of pain
So when you see her rise again
Higginbottom, do your duty.'

The Sonson's wedding, swell affair
I lent my town house in Mayfair
With wedding gifts I found
The place was crammed all round
I really couldn't stay in bed with all that in the house
So down I crept at three o' clock,
Then on the door a muffled knock
Thought I 'That's not a mouse'

Chorus: 'Where's the butler? Where the, where's the butler?
Aah there you are - you beauty.
Don't let them take us for two fools
Quick, quick, my lad, the wedding jewels
Higginbottom, do your duty.'

One night I deep in study sat
When on the door I heard rat-tat
I turned round with a stare,
The wife's French maid was there
She said to me, 'Oh Sir,' said she
'Zee Zepelin's in zee skies, they fill me full of fear
I quake all night I trembling vide avake
I said, 'There, there, don't cry.'

Chorus: 'Where's the butler? Where the, where's the butler?
Oh, there you are - you beauty.
This winsome wench with eyes so bright
Is afraid to be alone at night
So, Higginbottom, fetch the housekeeper.'

My country house, a swell affair
I've got a large menagerie there
Six leopards and one lion
Caged in with bars of iron
They broke in on my hounds one day
And ate the bally pack
Thinks I, well it really is no use,
For me to leave the bounders loose
Someone must drive them back.

Chorus: 'Where's the butler? Where the, where's the butler?
Aah, there you are - you beauty.
To get them in their cage he tried
But they got him in their inside
Now, Higginbottom's done his duty.' (poor fellah, I miss him)

 
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Performed by George Robey (1869-1954)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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