WHO'LL SHUT THE DOOR
 
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(Enter Husband and Wife.)

HUSBAND: My dear, why will you not obey?
I've told you twice before,
To do as I have ordered you;
So go and shut the door.
WIFE: The door will not be shut by me!
HUSBAND: It will, I'll take my oath!
WIFE: If I shut it you'll shut it, too,
So let us shut it both.
BOTH: Oh! what a fuss, Oh! what a bore,
About the shutting of a single door.
Oh! what a fuss, Oh! what a bore,
About the shutting of a single door.


WIFE: I know my place, Sir, as a wife,
And know how to behave;
But I have told you once before,
I will not be a slave!
HUSBAND: A slave, my dear— what nonsense, love,
I'd give my life for thee!
WIFE: Give what you like, the door, I say,
Will not be shut by me!
BOTH: Oh! what a fuss, Oh! what a bore,
About the shutting of a single door.
Oh! what a fuss, Oh! what a bore,
About the shutting of a single door.


HUSBAND: Now come, I'll toss you, "head or tail,"
Which of us shuts the door.
WIFE: If I should win, upon my word,
With laughter I should roar!
HUSBAND: Or else, a plan still better far,
Which I've thought of before,
Whoever speaks the first word, shall
Get up and shut the door.
BOTH: Oh! what a fuss, Oh! what a bore,
About the shutting of a single door.
Oh! what a fuss, Oh! what a bore,
About the shutting of a single door.


WIFE. To that proposal I at once
Most willingly agree;
Because I know the first to speak
Will surely not be me! (sits on chair.)
HUSBAND. And I've made up my mind, good wife,
That I shall never speak;
No! not if I should sit here (sits.)
Till the middle of next week!
BOTH: Oh! what a fuss, Oh! what a bore,
About the shutting of a single door.
Oh! what a fuss, Oh! what a bore,
About the shutting of a single door.
 
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Written and composed by Arthur Lloyd - 1892
Performed by Arthur Lloyd (1840 - 1904)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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