WHY DO THEY CALL ME ARCHIBALD?
 
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When I start singing, now don't think I'm
Trying to sing you a song in ragtime
For me to do that would be more than a crime
So don't you get nervous a bit
It was through football once at Newton Heath
Goal keeper's boot caught my jaw underneath
Riddled my tongue, scattered four of my teeth
So now I suppose you'll admit
For stuttering I am not really to blame
But I can't get my tongue round my Christian name.

Chorus: 'Why do they call me Archibald, Archibald
Why do they call me Archibald, Anything but Archibald
A.R.C.H.I.E, that would be quite sufficient for me
I don't mind them calling me Archie, but why the B.A.L.D.'

Last week my missus presented to me
A nice little baby which filled me with glee
I said, 'What is it? a he or a she>'
The nurse said, 'Not she, it's a he.'
When at the Christening they spoke of a name
The wife said, 'I'll Christen it, I've got firt claim
I said, 'All right dear, I'll not be to blame
To leave it to you I'll agree.'
I said, 'You can Christen the baby, but still
For goodness sake please oblige me, if you will,

Chorus: 'Don't let them call it Archibald, Archibald
Why do they call me Archibadl, Anything but Archibald
A.R.C.H.I.E, that would be quite sufficient for me
I don't mind them calling me Archie, but why the B.A.L.D.'

Off to a race meeting I went one day
'What's going to win?' I heard one fellow say
Someone said, 'Archibald, back it each way
And that set my blood all afire
Up to the bookie I soon made a dash
He said, 'What name?' as he picked up my cash
I started spluttering, he said, 'Don't splash
Send me the name on by wire.'
When I said, 'It's Archibald,' then he said
'The race is all over, the horse is in bed.'

Chorus: 'Why do they call me Archibald, Archibald
Why do they call me Archibald, Anything but Archibald
A.R.C.H.I.E, that would be quite sufficient for me
I don't mind them calling me Archie, but why the B.A.L.D.'

 
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Written and composed by Alec Kendal and Fred Godfrey - 1914
Performed by Jack Pleasants (1874-1924)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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