THE WIFE, THE LODGER AND I
 
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We've got a lodger staying with us, an artful cuss is he,
My old woman and me, through him, can never agree,
She says, 'He's just as clever as you, although he never brags,
I'll bet ten quid to a policeman's kid, the lodger can do your 'dags''.

So the wife and I one night, when I'd turned out the light,
Said she to me, 'If you'll agree we'll challenge this chap to a fight.'
So he pulled off his coat, pulled off his 'I'm afloat'
He gave me one on the 'hot-cross-bun' and busted my 'old base note'.

The wife said, 'Oh, you're beat, you can't stand on your feet,'
Said she to me, 'If you'll agree we'll challenge him now to eat,'
He started very well but goodness, what a sell,
Two joints we got, he ate the lot and swallowed the plates as well.

The wife began to stare, 'We're ruined, I declare!'
Said she to me if you'll agree we'll challenge him now to swear,
He only said one word, one word was all we heard,
I've looked in many a dictionary but never could find the word.

The wife said, 'Look here, Jim, to get the best of him,
Take this swell to some canal and challenge him now to swim.'
Well, he pulled off his 'trucks', when my old woman 'rucks',
He'd swum a yard, she said, 'Hold hard, he's poisoning all the ducks!'

But still we didn't grieve, we'd one thing up our sleeve,
Said she to me, 'If you'll agree, we'll challenge him now to thieve,'
He started to refearse, he nearly made me curse,
He pinched my watch and glass of scotch, then went for the old girl's purse.

The wife said, 'What d'ye think, he's done me for my chink,
At mopping booze, you couldn't lose, let's challenge him now to drink.'
He drank ten quarts at first, I really thought he'd burst,
He drank the last and then he asked for something to quench his thirst.

The wife said, 'This ain't bliss, we must give him a miss.'
Said she to me, 'If you'll agree, we'll challenge him now to kiss.'
He started kissing slow but when he did let go,
'Upon my say,' said she, 'we'll have it over again, what ho!'

Said I, 'Enough, he's won but now I have begun
I'll lick him yet you have to bet, I'll challenge him now to run.'
He didn't want two hints, he fairly made me wince,
Well, strike me blue, the wife ran too and they haven't been heard of since.

And it's too much trouble, too much trouble,
It's too much trouble for me to bring them back!

 
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Written and composed by Harry Wincott & Harry Leighton - 1902
Performed by Tom Woottwell (1865-1941)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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