YOU 'AVE TO 'AVE 'EM
 
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This world of ours would be a bed of flow'rs
If it wasn't for the land we live in;
You're squill'd and pill'd and very nearly kill'd
From the time you pop your 'chiv' in.
In life's short span, why every man
Is either a rogue or a duffer;
For sinners and saints there are complaints
Which every man must suffer,
And they nip with a grip like weasels,
Such as mothers-in-law or measles.

Chorus: You 'ave to 'ave 'em...
Whether you want 'em or not,
You 'ave to 'ave 'em...
That's what touches the spot...
Pluck up, buck up,
Troubles will end or mend you,
Open your mouth and shut your eyes
And see what someone will send you.

What is to be will happen, don't you see?
It's a saying very true but a rum one;
If you're born to be drowned you'll never be hanged,
So it's no use murdering someone.
Now science affirms we're swallowing germs
And microbes everywhere, too,
And that explains the terrible pains
The businessman is heir to,
Such as scamps, and tramps and breweries,
And summonses to serve on juries.

Chorus:

Since Shakespeare said, 'Throw physics to the dogs',
It's been sticking in your 'umble's throttle;
For no-one likes throwing physics to 'tykes'
At one and three ha'pence a bottle.
There are remedies for every disease,
In spite of contradiction.
Then why do you put up, d'ye see,
With this or that affliction?
Such as seaside 'go-as-you-pleasers'
And grog blossoms on your 'sneezers'.

Chorus:

The average man has a speculative mind,
But his marriage is a business smarter,
Unlimited is he in his li-a-bil-i-y
To his wife, the sleeping partner.
When I did the deed, we mutually agreed,
That we'd keep down the exes,
But a quid soon goes, when your family grows,
No matter what the sex is.
And I'm always buying for the twinses
New bibs and safety pinses.

Chorus:

 
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Written and composed by Charles Osborne - 1897
Performed by Harry Randall (1857-1932)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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