Albert and the Olympics
(The continuing adventures of Albert as an old man)
They'd got t'Olympic Games, you know,
And t'Paralympics, too,
And that's not all that there was planned
For two thousand and one-two.
They decided that the time was ripe
To give old folks centre stage,
And so it was arranged to have
The Olympics of t'Third Age.
Albert Ramsbottom was there,
No, don't say it's a farce;
He'd entered for the pole vault
In the over eighties class.
He stood there waiting for his turn,
Quite nervous, poor old soul,
The track official said to him,
"What's that on your pole?"
"My lucky mascot," Albert quoth,
"Shaped like an 'orse's 'ead."
"That's not allowed," the chap replied,
"Use a normal pole instead."
Now Albert had been practising
For weeks in his back yard;
To try to use a diff'rent pole
Would really be too hard.
Just picture it - the poor old man,
With pole not used before,
When suddenly behind him
He heard a mighty roar.
"Wallace!" shouted Albert,
And set off at a rate;
He reached the bar and cleared it
At the height of two foot eight.
"I thought you'd like that, Grandad,"
Said Albert's grandson, Joe,
"I played that there recording
To psyche you up, you know."
"Psyche me up!" said Albert,
"Eh, lad, you 'ave some thoughts -
It nearly meant I had to go
And 'ave a change of shorts!"
None of the other athletes
Could manage two foot eight,
So Albert found he'd won the gold -
For now, at any rate.
The team's physician called him in,
He said, "It isn't good,
It seems you've tested positive
With Viagra in your blood."
Albert stood up for himself:
"There's something that you've missed -
When talking of banned substances,
Viagra isn't on the list."
The doctor sadly shook his head
And said, "Upon my soul -
But in small print it says 'Except
For vaulting with a pole.'"
Albert thought it over:
When all is said and done,
I must confess two poles must be
Better than just one.
"Ah, well," he said, "the lesson's learned,
And, though it's one that galls,
Man can strive for glory,
But, with Viagra, falls."