by Charles W. Anson
During a recent holiday I visited an ancient ruin. It was towards evening and I fancy the custodian must have had a long and tiring day. It seemed possible that he had mixed other things besides the facts for he gave me the following extraordinary information as the history of the place.


It is an ancient castle, sir, in fact it's very old 'Twas 'ere when I was born, sir, an' before that, so I'm told The architect was Wren, sir, in B.C. sixty-six The masonry's of stone, sir, and the brick-work's made of bricks A 'istory? Lor, bless yer, sir! That's just what it 'as got Why Julius Caesar once played bowls up on this very spot An' someone cried, "Great Caesar! The Armada is in sight!" 'E played 'is shot an' murmured, "Curfew shall not ring to night" 'Ere Richard of the Lying 'eart for years in prison lay Till Blondin sang an' they was glad to let 'im get away Agin' that oak tree over there, Sir Isaac Newton stood An apple on 'is 'ead was cut in two by Robin 'ood Among its leafy branches wicked Guy Fawkes was concealed An' Charles the First signed Magnum Bonum in that very field Napoleon - old Boney - landed close by on the shore An' turning to the sea 'e bade the waves advance no more That patch of mud across the path is where Queen Anne 'eld back Until Sir Walter Scott stepped forth and on it threw 'is mac' Yes! that's the very mud, sir, Oh it's genuine all right, For since that day it's been watered every night That is the only 'chip off the old block' now that survives Oliver Cromwell on it, sir, beheaded all his wives 'ere Lady Jane Grey first was seized with Calais on the brain An' when her doctor told 'er, sir, she never smiled again. 'ere Queen Bess drove 'er chariot, right through the foreign 'ost An' that there tower is 'aunted by Fair Rosamund's dark ghost A chap named 'Erbert with 'ot irons put out both 'er eyes Then drowned 'er in a glass of Maundy wine to stop 'er cries That's all that I remember now, o' course there is lots more An' if you're passing any time, Oh thank you, sir, I'm sure I gave the aged man a tip and said, "Please don't forget To tell all future sight-seers... Ananias lives here yet!" Note. Ananias - a biblical character who lied to God.
The end